Cycling

is a lot like riding a bike.
Sometimes you are up
Sometimes you are down.
Regardless you must pedal

Pedaling is easier depending on the gear you are in.
Sometimes you pedal and go nowhere.
Sometimes you pedal and see the world in front of your eyes
Just at a hand brake's distance.

sometimes,
the wind cut at you and tries to keep you down.
Other times it's at your back pushing you along.

Regardless you must pedal,

I need to learn to enjoy the ride
and not to try to control things.

Maybe I should get a bike
and do a new type of
cycling.

because I'm a huge hypocrite

So I was multitasking hardcore today doing my usual of surfing the internet and watching television when I took notice of the all the applications on my desktop. There were at least 4 columns of them. It made me realize I needed to do some "housecleaning" as I didn't think that I had installed so much stuff on my computer. I started to delete this one icon call "Network" when I realized this might not be a good thing as it might mess up my internet connection. So I double click on it and realize there's some dude named "Gerald Household" who has decided to set up a NETWORK WITH MY MODEM!!!!.

For you layman/women, someone is using my internet for free and has hacked my puter! Now I knew I had an unsecured connection but I couldn't believe someone would have the audacity to put an icon on my desktop. By this time I am fuming.

So I go into my network utilities and figure out how secure the connection. Previously I had tried to do this manually, but had only managed to screw up some socket connection. HP has this utility to do it for you in a point in click fashion which made it really easy. As J would put it, I just created a really effective cock block. Or I prefer to say I "oshun'd" it.

However these actions make me feel like a hypocrite. Why you ask? Because I am such an internet/wifi hacker myself. If while I'm traveling I find a free internet spot, I am all over it. But personally I don't want to share my stuff. Partly it is a fear of viruses, partly it is a fear of someone stealing my financial info. Partly I don't want people to steal my music.

For me it was the boldness of the other person's actions coupled with the fact that I pay 50 bucks month for high speed. I felt such as strong sense of justice and someone to knock on my door and ask for me to give the key so they could be added back into the network. It hasn't happened yet, but you never know.. tee hee.

I would only charge them 20 bucks a month for the connection. After all, this is a free market society.

AMITYVILLE: MEET JACKSONVILLE

because I can't make these things up. I'm no longer in denial that I live in South. ">

Hohum

Let's see

1. Woke up at 8:30. Went tag saling - only found one item; the 10 commandments for .50 cents. It was really ugly on a piece of wooden board. Removed board and now the shiny part is hanging in my living room. it fits the decor nicely

2. Bought metal screws in effort to rehang spare bedroom door. Screws too small; must go back to Loew's: crap.

3. Used electric screwdriver to tighten own shower bar. Also drilled holes for plant hangers. (oooo, aahh, oooo, ahhh which translates to I love power tools)-said in her best Tim Allen grunt voice

4. Uploaded 20+ cds in effor to convert whole cd collection on to computer. Figured out which one I was going sell on half.com. I realized I have ecclectic crappy taste. Here's a sample of what I loaded: swv, dido, james brown and motown box set.

5. Made banging spaghetti sauce to freeze for meals during the week.

6. Decided that being a bartender is not the best choice for a second job. It's the whole brother's keeper thing.

7. Went miniature golfing and got my but kicked playing air hockey. Got my but kicked by all, which either tells me J sucked or I am slipping big time.

8. Went to Mojo's Kitchen. Absolutely slamming barbecue. That is a lot coming from me who has this thing abour barbecue sauce being on the table rather than having the food be cooked in it.

9.Possibly purposely avoided J. oh well....

10. Came home with a content belly and started this blog... yeah Jenny.

4 day weekend ramble.

1. Just got out of church. I realize that the peace that centers me comes from pray. Why don't I do it enough.

2. Am being bad -will go drinking tomorrow. I have a two drink limit but still know it's not a good idea with the meds. Why am I such a bad girl? Soy una chica muy muy mala.

3. I have the metallic taste of something in my mouth. I can't stand it. I've brushed my teeth 5 times today and still can't get the taste out of my mouth. It's like the metal of new filling uggh.

4. I love happy Babies. Z. makes my day with her snort laugh.

5. I have mixed feeling about bring J out to drink. I'm not sure if this will be a good thing. I'm afraid she will tell Ms. Bliss and then I'm really screwed.

6. I'm sorry but the Jags suck. NE Patriots all the way.

TMy TOP 10 choices for a new job.

10. Hooters wings girl.
9. McCain's VP.
8. America's got talent judge.
7. Underwater basket weaver.
6. Bartender
5. Waitress
4. NAMI Lobbyist.
3. Professional Student
2. Professional Frog Gigger
1. Deal or no Deal case holder

Because you can't spiritualize being given the Bird.

Okay so here's the thing. My main family is my church family; which is okay for the most part. The problem however is day to day life. In living in it, you get stuck with the mundane and I declare it is impossible to "spiritualize" everything. You can't make life always about a spiritual journey. 'Cause it's not. Sometimes it just sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you are forced to ride the metaphysical roller coaster of life. And there's nothing holy about it.

Case in point; you can't spiritualize being given the bird at the intersection where someone is backing up into your parked car. Now maybe you can spiritualize your reaction, but oh the flesh is too immediate and too needy. So there's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I have the attention span of a flea

I Just tried to read some other people's blog on the bipolar ring and I realize that I have an attention span of a flea. Also I've learned I'm partial to small paragraphs. Anything over 10 sentences and my mind goes swimming. Not sure if this is the meds or this is me.

My Used Car Ad

Voice did his used car add so I thought I should do mine as I found the analogy pretty funny. I think I will post a cleaner one on my myspace page.

1976 Large sized Pontiac Ventura. Brown Top, Olive Body. Low mileage, Missing one ball joint (acl tear) One owner. several drivers. Free junk in trunk. Never been in accident but likes to hit curves (hence new tires). Recently hospitalized -oops I mean serviced (tee hee), should be good for at least another 36k. I will pay you to take car.

Fuckity Fuck, Fuck Fuck and other random thoughts

I don't know what it is but I really don't enjoy going back to work. I am extremely paranoid or something. I think everyone knows why I've gone back and what's going on. I also think that my pride is getting in the way. I've been delegated mail person and while that is enough to stress me out these days, I still have some of the pride left in me that I so don't want to be doing this crap.

So I've started posting and looking for other jobs. I'm seriously considering calling my mother. I'm not in trouble now, but I really don't want to get there financially. I wonder if I'm just using more tactics to try and keep control of a situation that I really have no control of.

Spoke with HR person today and believe it or not he seemed less hostile and more on my side. Maybe it was just me. I even made him laugh. Hopefully, some of the comments on my appraisal will get removed.

I think I need to up my meds to twice a day. I notice around 6pm that I start getting jittery.

I think I need to speak with my p-doc about these feelings of morose/paranoia I have. They are so not a good thing.

I am feeling extremely sarcastic right now. Hence the Lewis Black blog title.

Work tomorrow

I will be going back to work tomorrow for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm not sure what this will bring. I'm not sure what this will mean for me. I hope and pray that all will be well. The good news is that I will only have to work a half day.

The apartment is clean

Ohh nelly, I feel so excited. My apartment is clean right now. Not perfectly, but just enough where everything feels like it has a home. It's not in the perferect place. But nonetheless it is a good place.

I just spoke with one of my best friends N. She's the same old same old, just a tad more sarcastic. I love you girl!

Fickle Fay and the Fucking Frogs

Okay normally I don't like to swear, but I really liked the alliteration of the title. Besides I'm way over tired. Wayyy over tired. My apartment walls are so thin that I can hear everything going on with the storms outside. Last night I heard the frogs outside even with the air conditioner and the fan going! My friend who used to live in the same apartment complex said I do once told me that that it was because they were mating that they were so loud. Why is everyone but me getting some? Ah yes, it's those damn standards I have.

Friend Issues

Okay so here's the problem.

My best friend M. and I are on the outs and have been now for at least a month. She feels that I should be more forgiving of the people who hurt me in my past. She thinks that I've held onto too many things for way too long. She wants me to read this stupid book "Healed and Set Free" because she think that's gonna solve all my problems. The issue I have with the book is with the premise of concentrating on your own sin will allow you reflect more favorably on the sins of others who may have hurt you. This logic only serves to make me feel guilty not forgiving.

I think we have just come to stalemate where I have leaned on her for support too hard and for too long. I'm not sure if I just need to back away from the relationship completely. The hard thing is that I am the godmother to her oldest child. I am struggling with keep everything in perspective.

I can't be the way she wants me to be and she is sick of hearing me bitch and complain about my problems/mental illnesses. She doesn't want me to be miserable all the time. And I just can't get past what she wants me to get over. I think some part of this is the illness and that I'm really not trying to cop out. It's very hard explaining this to her because she is so deep in her faith that she thinks that if I just try harder I will get out of this: cause,well, that's how it worked for her.

The problem is that the illness at times takes such a hold of me that it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. While she may get this point still assumes that God is going to deliver me from it all if throug my will. However, It's not going to be the same way as he did for her. Because my relationship is unique just as is all of ours. I'm never going to have the same type of victory; it maybe better better; it may be worse. But right now it's not where I'm at. And I just don't know what to do cause I feel like she's forgotten what it's like to give Grace.

I'm a horn ball

Okay here's the deal:

Pristiq + Abilify = horn ball.

However, this is hard to do anything about when you are seriously overweight and a Tropical storm has everyone and everything batted down. Not to mention the fact that your ex lives in the same city as you and has probably already posted to any online dating site you would have.

You would think this cocktail would kill any remaining sexual libido. Ummm yeah, ...not so much.

I find myself pondering men all the time and all around me. Examples

1. At stop lights: ex: the 18 year old sucking a lollipop next to me in his dodge truck. good god, if you aren't going to share, than at least roll up the window.

2. Walmart; the man in his wife beater. Always Low prices..always.

3. Flash backs of dudes I dated. Where is the chinese food dude with the 007's when you need one?

4. Soaps. There's this young Hispanic dude on Young and the Restless who has black hair and a goateee. Ay Papi, ven aqui por favor.

5. Church. OMG yes chuch. I'm not going to say who specifically but good lord, I'm praising and repenting back to back, cause my mind is a-wandering.

6. M's son. With his horn rimmed glasses and mensa mind, I so want to "yaeger bomb him" the next time we go to Building 5.

7. UNF track team. Why the heck do they have to jog shirtless down southside blvd? Their sinewy shiny bodies are so not conducive to safe driving. Who cares if I'm probably a good 10 years older. I can cook them something other than top shelf or hot dogs.

8. Weathermen. I'm not sure if it's the weird glow that the green screen casts upon them but I find themm immensely attractive these days. Maybe it's just the workings of Fickle Fay.

9. Rednecks. Ever since leaving the hospital I've been thinking I should date one. See how the other half lives. Does morro go well with fried okra? How about grits?

10. Celebrities: Eric Bana(I think it's the Austrailian thing), Brad Pitt (his lips are to die fore), and oddly enough Jake Gyllenehall (spell)

So maybe it's the drugs, maybe it me cycling, maybe it's where I'm at in my menstrual cycle. All I know is that I want sum.

Irony at it's best

So I spent a good part of the day trying to organize my apartment into something that I would enjoy being in. I succeeded only mildly if you judge by cleanliness but majorily if you go by aesthetics. I think I did a fair job getting things going on an artistic level. Now if I could sort of carry that theme of decoration to all rooms of my house. What's hard is that my stuff is just stuff. I don't really buy it
'cause I think it will go with something else. I buy cause I like it. I've got asian mixed with folk, mixed with modern, mixed with country. Go figure.

However, it did feel good to get my glass/pottery on display. As I looked around my living room, it began to feel more mine and homey. I'm just afraid of things being cluttered.

I got a call from HR today. I am supposed to be starting work up on Monday for half days. I hope this will go well. I know that they need me so I am hoping that all will be okay. My biggest fear is that they will suck me in to NB world with C being gone. Until K is gone, I don't think I can really think about anything else.

I haven't been praying a lot lately so I wonder if my lack of clear sense of direction with respect to all this has to do with the fact that I am not sure how/where I should go to look for other opportunities. How hard I should push or whether or not I should even strive to make them happen.

This energy burst to want to clean my apartment is unlike anything that I've felt in the last couple of months. It makes wonder about two things: One am I goin manic and/or is the lack of lamictal/topamax. I actually hear the alarm clocks in the morning. Go figure 2.

'Cause some things should be left well enough alone

I went over a friends house from church who is very pregnant (as opposed to just a little right? tee heee)and due about 3 weeks with number 5 (Bless her heart!). I wanted help her so I decided I would cook for her. I made shepherds pie, garlic bread and brownies. Some of my normal stuff right? Wrong there bucko. She is in to organic stuff and she bought bison meat instead of what Lewis Black would call "red moo cow fuck beef". It looks deceptively normal in the package:



However, there is such a difference in comparison with ground chuck in taste and not in a good way. I am still tasting Bison even though I've tried to kill the taste with chocolate, milk and water. I swear to god my tongue is swelling. Never ever again. The only way I can describe it is like eating medium rare meat. Now I know the meat I cooked was not medium rare, 'cause I browned it, but good god,it might as been a meal for Nosforetu himself for all the blood taste to it...



I guess what I've learned is that some things you just don't fuck with. My ma's shephard's pie recipe is one of them.
Sorry for the cussing, but, that's my mood tonight. So no Ted Turner, I will not be dining at your restaurant anytime soon.

I did however, get fresh eggs from the adventure, I think, I'm going to have them tomorrow with toast. They are suppposed to be high in omega-3 which is supposed to be good for depression.

Little Girl V. Grown-up

Okay so here's my thing.

I saw my t-doc today. As usual she annoys me. Why? Cause she constantly challenges me. she challenges me to think of things differently. I guess she wouldn't think of herself a a licensed cognitive therapist otherwise. She got this metaphor going in my head of little girl v. a grown-up and how I'm fighting growing up emotionally. It's so true and that's probably why I am so annoyed by it; I really don't feel like I can do anything about it.

But I know I can. (Does anyone want to read the Little Engine that could to me?)I feel the world sees me a emotionally immature. (Yes, there I go again using generalizations like the "world", but that's what it feels like. I am having a real hard time coping.)



Maybe I just need a nap and med adjustment.

The type of people you will meet in a mental hospital.

dentists on 4 day weekends
restaurant owners
People who raise crickets for a living
Annuity Analysts
Home makers
Moms
Dads
People who were invited to try out for the Olympics but can't because their in the hospital.
Smokers, definitely smokers
Sucidial people who miss their dead relatives and wish they could join them.
Military Elite
Self-Centered Southern Belles
Nicolas Cage Wanna-be therapists
Therapist who give you more hope than you could ever imagined.
People who can't laugh because they've forgotten how.
Ex-probation officers
Of Mice and Men.
"Strange Fruit" -by Billy Holiday.
Eddy Murphy's Mr. Roger's who know as a job as a cafeteria worker.
Some of the coolest LPN's and RN's ever.
Gene Wilder's Son who is now an orderly.
Shirley Mclain's alter ego in the form a modern day Nurse Ratchet.
Ukranian Sex sadists

ME

Sheer Stupidity

A blog I wrote a couple of weeks ago....


Saturday, I had been running errands in my car when I had gotten thirsty and I had bought a vanilla milkshake from Chic-fil-a. I thought I had finished it all didn't bother to take the container from my car. (Silly me). When I get in my car to go to work on Monday I notice this rank smell, (worse than usual) and I look down at my center console to see milkshake container does indeed have remainents(I thought I had finished it all) - and it has started to curdle and stink up the place.

Me being in a rush, I thought I could wait until I was at work to throw out the offending item, but oh for the love of all things holy, the smell was horrible. So I stopped my car by the apartment complex dumpster to throw out the offending item.

It was then that I had one of those Bill Engvall's Here's Your Sign moments.



I threw my keys in the dumpster.

Shit,


And the horrible thing about it was that they had just emptied the dumpster so my keys were just sitting on bottom sitting in a puddle of nasty garbage juicy just teasing me saying come get me idiot So here I am all dressed up for work, (wearing my hair down mind you) and now I have to devise a scheme to get the keys. I think hey no problem, I'll just go back into my apartment and get my broom.


Oh yeah that's right, my apartment key is on the key chain. I manage find a stick and start trying to play in the garbage garbage juice and just as I think I'm going to be rewarded with the prize of my keys, I fumble the stick and it too falls in the dumpster.

.
Here comes the saving grace, my next door neighbor comes to throw her trash away and I ask for a broom and chair. She obliges, and with a couple of grunts and groans I manage to get the keys. During the process however, I treat the passebys to a splendid view of my derriere swinging in the just rising sun. ..




Now the keys are muddied, greasy and covered with 30 apartments worth of refuse, My arms up to my elbows are covered with what I hope is mud and I rush back into my apartment to hose off. I have to change my clothes and rinse the keys.


So If I smell today, you can tell everyone that I went dumpster diving.

Having a bad day

I am having a bad day. These drugs have made my head incredibly foggy. As I write the things I see myself saying are incredibly trite; i.e. the inability to focus, the irritability, the lack of interest in anything for an extended period of time etc.

Right now I am struggling with telling people about my illness. I have so much pride that I am stuggling with who to tell and who not to tell. My major support system is church and I feel that if I tell them that I would be eliminated for any future leadership opportunities in church. I find this completely ironic considering that I would want to lead something in church considering that I can barely keep my apartment clean.

I'm not suicidal or anything, I just don't know my ass from my elbow these days. I think I need to see my p-med doctor again. I just saw him on Friday and he told me that I needed to come off the Topamax. So it will be the Pristiq and the Abilify only only. I am fighting Depakote/Lithiium as they weight gaining drugs and I so don't need to go there.

Things worthy of note when entering a mental hospital.

1. Think Airplane security. For the most part, you are not allowed the same type of sharp objects such as razors, nail clippers or scissors. Note: I was not allowed my needlepoint crosstich work as these were deemed dangerous.

2. No shoe laces, belts our drawstrings are allowed. These things are considered items patients could harm themselves with.

3. You probably will need a calling card as you can't have a cell phone. In general, most calls are limited to 15-20 minutes. Don't forget to write down the numbers off your cell phone!

4. If you smoke, seriously considering purchasing a carton or see to it that your family will make sure you are fully supplied. Not all places have cigarette machines.

5. Do not bring of anything of value with you as there is no promise made by staff that things will not grow legs and walk away. Case in point someone stole my hair comb and I was forced to used a cheap variety that wreaked havoc on my naturally curly hair.

6. You will be stripped searched so don't even think of smuggling in anything via your nether regions.

7. If you say you think you want to hurt yourself, you will be put in the line of sight watch of someone for at least 72 hours.

8. You probably won't sleep soundly as your are constantly being watched by people at all hours of the night.

9. Bring your own entertainment. While some wards have puzzle and books, these iteams are often of a used and/or poor quality. Bring your own books, pens, paper, playing cards (no spiral notebooks - wire is considered harming agent), puzzlebooks etc. Believe it or not coloring is big with all ages and genders so crayons and coloring books are allowed!

10. You will need change for the vending machines; Bring small bills (1's and 5's) and keep them on you at all times. A good general is rule is about 3 dollars per day, but this may depend on your appetite and the hospital you stay ate.

My hiatus

Did a stint in the hospital in an effort to stabilize. feel a bit better. More blogs willl be forth coming.

Today was a good day

1. Woke up 7pm; spent way too long in tub as usual. It is where I usually wake up.
2. Listened to Lex and Terry; they are great except when they start talking about women. Could so totally do without the Bitch word today -unless of course they are referring to themselves.
3. Drove to work. Uneventful
4. Was assisgned several (gasp) transactions, was swimming. I am having a really hard time concentrating. Who what of thunk that of a Smithie?
5. Came home made banana bread, ate a whole freschetta pizza way too quickly, ended up burning the roof of my mouth.
6. Went to the gym, spent 40 minutes on treadmill and 5 minutes on the stairs from hell machine.
7.Came home and read Exodus; I got to the good part where moses parts the read sea
8. Had chamomile tea.

BIPOLAR NOS

I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar NOS. I'm going through more psychological testing to confirm this. I have a history of PTSD and sexual abuse so I'm a bit weary of this diagnosis. But I've been on SSRI's for over 10 years with less than mediocre results.

Regarding NOS: for those of you not familiar with this terminology: it means not otherwise specified. It is defined by the DSM as:
Examples:

A. Fast cycling between Manic and Depressive Episodes.
B. Bipolar not primary disorder but still present.
C. Bipolar Disorder present in a Delusional Disorder,residual Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified( NOS ).
D. Hypomanic or manic Episodes with no Depressive Episode

According to Wikipedia ad my doctor Bipolar Nos is "..is a catch-all diagnosis that is used to indicate bipolar illness that does not fit into the other diagnostic categories. If an individual clearly seems to be suffering from some type of bipolar disorder but does not meet the criteria for one of the subtypes above, he or she receives a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)."

Confused? Join the club! But wait, what axis would that confusion fall under?

THE ELUSIVE STICKY BUN

I have just come back from Boston where I spent the last four days. I really do love Jet Blue with their XM sateliette radio and movie chanels. However, I will never drive out of Boston again. It was an absolutely horrific experience. My plan landed at 5:30pm and I didn't get in to Amy's house until 10:30pm ( a trip that takes an 1.5 hours at most with rush hour traffic). I was like a lost Hebrew on a journey that should have only taken 11 days but ended up taking forty years. OMG! I knew there was a lot of one way streets but I ended spending over an hour trying to get out of Revere because of this damn sign:

It constantly kept me from going from the direction I came. Thank God I rented a compact car or I would have to raffle off my first born to pay for the gas I used getting in the right direction.

My other excitement was that I got to spend awesome bonding time with my goddaughter Michaela. She's growing up to quite a little lady. I took her to my old stomping grounds (aka Emmanuael College, Downtown Crossing, South Station etc) and showed her all the places her mom and I went to school. There was a bit of construction going on, so we didn't get to see that much. They did appear to have expanded a bit.

I also took her to the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum. This was one of my favorite paintings called EL Jaleo:

The rendering here just doesn't do justice to the colors John Singer Sargent used.

I also offered to get Michaela's ears pierced and initally she was all for it. She was so excited, talking about what type of stud she was going to get. She picked out her birthstone and was ready to go. Michaela made her way to the chair where the women put the dots on her ear and had me inspect to make sure they were even. (I had to pretend I was her mother, which is pretty ironic considering she has blue eyes and blond hair and I have brown hair and brown eyes, but I digress). Then she saw the woman load the the gun with her chosen earrings and she FLIPPED out. She went completely pale and asked if she could back out of it. I had already paid for it, so I was like "Kayla, don't look at her, look at me. " But she would have none of that and she literally jumped out of the chair as the women came toward her with the loaded earing gun.

So rather than have her earings pierced, I got my second my second holes. It stung a little bit, but I've had them done before so I knew what to expect. Kayla couldn't even her watch me get my ear pierced. She literally looked like she was going to faint. For a good 20 minutes afterward she had absolutely no color in her face and kept on saying OMG, OMG. I reassured her and said that she could do it when she was ready, but all she could talk about was her fear of needles.

We also tried to find the elusive sticky bound at this place called Flour, Bakery and Cafe. Unfortunately 2 train rides later we get there only to find out that they have run out before we even got there. WHATTTT? We were so ticked offf and tired that we just ended up heading back home on the commuter rail.

We did manage to ride every line except the blue line in our endeavors. Kayla got a kick out of standing up while the T was in motion.

Work Anthem

Okay, So I heard this song, and it so appropos. It personifies work totally.
Just a history, a dad wrote this song for his daughter who was having a bad day. He went on further to say that is was a great song to humm under your breath in secret and noone will know.

More from mysongs at Myxer

Blame it on the Chips Ahoy

So it's 1:26am and I can't sleep. I ate a sleeve (yes a complete sleeve) of chips Ahoy cookies. And then I proceeded to go to sleep. Now I'm wide awake with a tummy ache pondering life. Not really depressed about anything, just thinking.

I should have done my bible study, but I was too exhausted to think. So this is my punishment; i.e I am wide awake. I was caught up today in the whole HR thing and people giving their feedback on "the work situation". Right now I'm so conviced that they think me insane that I just hope I have a job down the road. Something is going on as there is a big meeting on Friday. I am so hoping they lay me off. Severence is kick ass and I just might be able to movie back to north. Woohoo. Think of it, I actually am looking forward to moving back to family dsyfunction.

Just took some nasal spray and zytec, - I hope sleepy land is not far off. In the meantime I will let you in on my thoughts as I had my t-doc today.

1. I largely base my behavior, i.e. whether I should be happy, sad, indifferent based on the behaviours of others. If they are happy then I am happy; if they are sad than I am sad. This is so not healthy and speaks largely of co-dependency.

2. I was thinking of joining OE. Maybe it would provide a support group for me and issues of food. Maybe this way I could loose weight and feel good about myself.

3. I am truly not taking care of myself. For the past 4 years I have lived on fast food, coke and carb highs to function through the good and bad times. I also have not been consistent about exercising. I know for a fact that when I exercise I feel so much better about myself.

4. I love to cook, I just hate cooking for myself; It's probably because I am always cooking too much.

5. I've got to stop the really self hate dialogue.

6. I have the deer in headlights syndrome big time. My deer is sort of iconoclastic though see above. It probably come from 9+ years in working in the financial world.

RAMBLINGS AS USUAL

So I started doing yoga again with Red. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. It's not the power stuff that I used to in 80 degree heat, but that's probably just as well. My goal is 20 pounds and then we will see from there. I find that if I get my heart rate up, then I sleep like a log that night; which is awesome. I am doing the eliptical thought for cardio.
I think I'm gonna start swimming some. Nothing use to quite tire me out like a couple of laps was younger.

A year ago today
I was ankle deep in mud and god nows what else trying to build a wall in the domican republic. Trying not fall apart about broken engagement. I was literally just put one foot in front of the other hour by hour. God in his infinite wisdom has slowly begin to heal me and my anxst. Praise be.
I'm not there yet, but thank god I'm not where I was.

How I know I’m getting old.
1. It's been raining all day and my knees ache.
2. If I eat past 9pm I get indigestion the next day.
3. The songs that I listen to are on the easy listening station.
4. Gray hairs crop up all over my head.
5.I remember the first runs of Cheers and friends.
6. My coworkers who graduated high school in 2001
just rambling thoughts....

DAY ONE: BACK TO WORK

Today I went back to work. Absolutely everything and everyone was quiet. C was not there so I think that was why it was a little less dramatic. J and K did not really talk to me; which is fine. Hr called which touched off the panic attacks. HR Dude berated me for not contacting him while I was on leave. Ironic thing is that he has not gotten any further in the investigation of the work conditions. So now I have to send in a medical leave form and pray my psychiatrist will complete it. I am so done with that place. You know, I'm not crazy; not at least about this. I really need to find a new job. I really wish I could talk to my mom about this. 'Course she would probably fly off the handle and want to come down here. Good God help me. I would rather poke my eyes out with a dull toothpick.

The emotions of it all. I have a really hard time not being believed. I'm not good at communicating or convincing people of what I am trying to say. People often look at me like I've got three heads. Or they misconstrue what I say. I appear to speak in double entendres.

Did the eliptical today for 25 minutes and then did yoga class. I'm hoping this will help me sleep tonight.

I am fighting taking the seroquel. All the side effects sound terrible. And I so don't want to gain anymore weight.

Today:I was completely random.

1. Woke up around 11:30 am. Totally missed my endeavor to get to the bank so that I could cancel my debit card that I can't find. As a result had to go to the Publix to get 25 dollars out via check so that I could put gas in my car. I really hate writing checks.
2. Went to the library and checked out Pride and Prejuidice (with Keira Knightley who never moves her top lip through the whole movie), Idlewild and Little Miss Sunshine.
3. Bought other random groceries that I will probably not need but will let go bad in my fridge noneless.
4. Stopped by the Y and debated on whether or not I should go swimming. Decided against as it was only an 1 hour left before they closed.
5. Had Cheeseburgers that were too much on the medium well side.
6. Managed to do my dishes while listening to the Blood of Flowers. It's interesting learning about Iranian Culture.
7. Hung up the closed that I washed last tuesday.
8. Filled up 1 and 1/2 leaf bags full of the trash that was circulating my kitchen and living room.
9. Danced Oshun around my living room to Andre's 200o's strange ass beats.
10. Scored neighbor garage and yard sales for old bikes that I might be able to buy for 20 bucks.
11. Finally got my proof of insurance inside my vehicle.
12. Checked my cellphone several times to see if anyone left me a message. Hmm; shocker noone did.
13. Missed Max way too much. Thought that I shouldn't have let things go down the way they did.
14. Thought about the fact that a year ago today I was on a missionary trip in the Dominican Republic.
15. Thought about the fact that now I have this "disorder" no one will respect my thoughts for what they are nor will they credit me with the justice that I crave so badly; Instead they will always wonder if I need a meds adjustment.
16. Painted my toes; put little design on them: took Me's (my best friend) ideas and bought all the implements to put my own little rhinestones on my toes.
17. Washed my kitchen floor for the first time since moving in October.
18. Disembowled a wasp that got caught in my kitchen window.

I tried

I tried to go to work today: but umm, I didn't fall asleep until about 5:30am or so. Very poor sleep hygiene. I woke up at 8:15am and tried to piece together everything. I should have stopped the effort when I couldn't find my keys and was about to start crying. I got up with the notion that I would go to the bank to report my debit card lost ( a whole other heart wrenching story-sigh) and got as far as the drive up line at the teller before I realized that umm, I wasn't going to make it. I could barely keep my eyes open and felt the merest provocation would set me into a tailspin. I thought this might not be the best circumstances to try to tolerate the Wicked Witches of the North, South, East and West.

So I got on the phone with with the psych doc and asked to have my note switched so that I go back on monday. Technically I'm still in my 10 day loa grace so I'm okay. And if I don't get the note on time; dem's the berries kid; I will just have to take a vacation day.

I will however be going to see African Queen tonight at the beaches; That is provided that I wake up from my tramadol induced coma. Yeah that's right; having back spasms again, (i.e. part 2 of why I couldn't sleep last night) We'll see.

Umm so I did it: I exercised

I really need to commit to this. I know it will help my mood tremendously. I am so afraid of hypomania. More so than the depression. I know depression. I know how it works and I know how to wallow in it. I know how to milk it for all its worth.

I am afraid of going hypomanic. I don't know the difference between being hypomanic and "normal" aka even keel. Just what the heck is that?

Anyhoot, getting back to the subject at hand: exercise. I kept my membership at the Y and did 35 minutes on the eliptical and hour of yoga class. Some might consider this excessive but I wanted to make sure that I went down easily tonight as I start back to work tomorrow.
I did it with my mentor C and I felt very good afterword. Now the subway meatball sub I ate afterwords probably cancelled out any caloric benefit I had gained, but I loved the soreness I have in my muscles makes it all the worth while.

I fear it: Work. I know I have people there who believe in me. But the pure hate that others emit just wears me down. It really has made me realize that I feed off other moods tremendously. I let others up and downs govern my behaviour. I know that it comes from my youth and my childhood, but it is so autonomic that it really needs to stop.

I thought this was going to be a long winded blog, but I'm beginning to wind down. I hope to be asleep by midnight.

Wednesday: A new meaning to hump day

Today I did make myself do things.
I did go to the therapy doctor who really didn't flinch when I told her of the diagnosis. She sort of agreed. She went on to say that she thought I had characteristics of personality disorder to which I internally protested. "hog wash". Goth girls with black make-up popped into my head immediately. She did say though that I had a right to a second opinion.

the thought of seeing Dr. PM really upsets me. Maybe because of the clinical nature of the visit. I really don't trust them. (i.e. clinical psychiatrists). They seem so calculating and transaparent. And my thought is -and you are supposed to help me buddy? WTF?

So it's 3:30 am and I am feeding my "poor sleep hygiene" by staying up looking other post about bipolar disorder. It's odd, I can see the mania in other people, but I can't see the mania in myself. I asked my therapist the question of how do you distinguish between being maniac and just working to get yourself out a depression. She said depressed people usually don't succeed in breaking establish habits nor are they able to substain habits for periods of time.

This diagnosis has really thrown me through a loop. It has given me unsightly glasses through which to analyze past behavior. I don't like it. It makes me wonder what part of me was every healthy in the first place.

I am so afraid of the stigma. I am so afraid of what all this will mean.