Trust Jesus

Okay when I'm really stressed, I sometimes get a hankering for some really good Puerto Rican food, (my version of comfort food). That being said, I know that I need to go to High street in my hometown to get it. So that's what I attempted to do tonight for supper. Unfortunately all the restaurants were closed, but I did get fed. I'll tell you how:

See there's this guy; I don't know his name, but he stands out on High street during different times of the day evangelizing. He is usually always smiling, listening to music on his headphones as he bee bops along. Occasionally he will wave to people. The thing that is cool about him is that he hold this very basic sign. Very simply it says "TRUST JESUS".

As I usually do, I honk my horn to show him my support. But then I got to thinking about why that man was there on that part of High street at that particular time. (He usually stands a little further down). It was then that I realized God was trying to tell me something. When I saw the man, I was caught up trying to figure out how I was going to be able to work a full time job and do my internship at the same time. (I was actually thinking so hard, I almost didn't see him) While I have most of the details figured out on how to make everything work,(I've been working this for a year now) there are still some major things that I just can't square away in my head just yet and I start my internship in less than 3 weeks. And of course, I have begun to worry. But seeing that sign and that man's faith snapped me back into reality.

I've come to the conclusion that I have became a little like Paul when Jesus commanded him to walk on water these last couple of weeks. Peter was doing fine until took his eyes of Jesus, and then he began to sink. For Peter, it was into the physical sea, for me it has become a sea of despair even though I've gotten this far. In my own skin, I still haven't figured out how its all going to work. And for me that has always meant that I have to work harder, control more, and worry more. But you know what; I'm seriously questioning this old fleshly philosophies these days. I'm not sure if its my re-dedication or what, but I think what boils down to is that I really have to trust more. Trust God, Trust Jesus, Trust myself and trust others.

So again I will pick up my cross once again and follow you Lord. Because I believe this is what you have called me to do. I am convinced you have a plan for me, plans to grow me and not to harm me. I know you want to give me the desires of my heart that are in accordance with your will for my life. Thank you for sending that earthly Angel disguised in the form of man to minister to me tonight. Proof positive that everything is used to your glory...

Like Kirk Franklin sings to God in the last lines of the song "Be Still and know I am God", Lord I know as Kirks say... "You got this... You Got this".

Huge Anxiety...

Um.. so I'm supposed to start back to work Wednesday, but I am so not ready yet. I really want to the 5th off, but I'm not sure if that's gonna happen. I will find out tomorrow. Fingers crossed, because there is not enough anti-anxiety medication in the world to keep me from climbing the walls...

So I fight

So with out getting into the specifics, I've had a myriad of the health problems these last few weeks and for me it has been brought up a lot of issues from my youth. And while I know no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent (Eleanor Roosevelt), I just have to get this off my chest, because I feel so frustrated.

Right now I have extremely high blood pressure. (like to the point of needing to be hospitalized blood pressure) and severe migraines. But with the current health care system being what it is, I've had several Dr's appt's that have yielded very few results except emptying my wallet. Nothing seems to work and I am feeling very frustrated as well as physically horrible.

So I fight, I fight doctor's who tell me they can't see until the next three weeks. I make call upon call in search of someone who can help. I buy a planner to organize all my appointments and drugs. I try to find the right drug cocktail that will not only alleviate the symptom but also possibly find the cure.

I fight the feelings of inadequacy that this bring up because dr's literally or indirectly say or act in manner that suggests they they don't have time for you, that they are sorry for you, or that they wish you were better.

I fight a health care system that at times does nothing to empower its recepients into actually managing their own care, by treating them as they don't know their own bodies or their own respective needs.

I fight doctors, family, friends, clergy, who literally tell me they are doing me favors, that they don't have to see me, that it's all in my head, that I'm being difficult, that I'm too x or too z, or that I'm just not worth it.

I fight with having awful insurance, wondering if I had state insurance or a better provider if I would have a better level of care or if people would see me differently.

I fight the notion that because of my race ethnicity, genetic predisposition, location in an economic depressed comunity that I am being stereotyped, pigeoned holed, and just generally not heard or treated with the best possible care.

I fight the multiple physical and emotional side effects, the feeling of being my own pharmaceutical company with the hope that tomorrow someone will get it right or at least tomorrow will be a better day.

I fight the work it takes to be sick and want to surrender because if no one else cares, why should I?

I fight the urge to give up, check out, and think its all in my ahead.

I fight by seeing see my nutrionist, my dermatologist, my gyncologist, neurologist, emeregency room doc, my pastor, my GP, my nurse practioner, my opthomologist, my optomotrist, my counselor, my urologist, my psychiatrist, my neurologist and demand answers not scripts or pity.

I search the internet, speak with other people who had these conditions, seek God, Seek Jesus, prayer, cry, vent in an effort to understand myself and ultimately make myself better.

I take advice from doctors who tell me it's xyz, I hear friends who tell me it's from having a lack of faith in God and that this all a test. I get told things like I that I need to pray more, have more trust in God, read my bible, fellowship, and believe God has the answers. I get told to exercise more, eat less, and let go of things mentally. While I believe that is all true, it makes me feel like if I could only believe or trust a little more this problem would be gone. Which does nothing to make me feel empowered or build a sense of security.

I fight friends and family who mean well, who offer cures, who make suggestions, who for the most part listen and don't judge, but don't really get it either because they never really been there or it's just too painful for them to relate.

I fight the urge to take the pity/apologies of friends, family and doctor's and tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Don't get me wrong; I ultimately think this is happening for a reason; I think this will ultimately make a better social worker, but of course I get stuck on the question of why regardless; i.e., why does it have to be this way. Why are all the systems so broken. Why does the health care system refuse to treat the whole person, i.e. mind, body, spirit. Is it just because they don't know how many co-pays they should charge?

There's got to be a better answer. So in mean time, I wait. I pray, and I fight.

And damn it; I'm tired.

Doctor's office.

Am in a partial hospitalization program right now. I am stressing big time. So now with all that's going on they definitely think I am bipolar. I am not sure if this is a relief or a mixed blessing.  I had high blood pressure today and I am all stressed out about stupid shit.  Trying to reclaim pieces of my life. And they are scattering like clues on a scavenger hunt.  I don't know if I am hungry or just anxious.  I couldn't really be bothered to get food, but I am hungry.  I don't want the delicious good for you grapes that are in my bag. No, instead, I want all the fried and fast food goodness I can find. I really think I just want to go home and take a nap.  However, this fricken doctor is is taken her sweet time and I am about to flip a lid.

To be continued.

discipline

I feel like I'm lacking. Conviction is what I need. Maybe reading the book will help. I'm willing to give anything a try for once.

weekend

It was interesting this weekend in that I went to Boston. I forgot how much of my young adulthood is locked up with that town. I had fun. But at the same time I was quiet. Can I just say I spend way too much time in my head. It give me time to think about I sit and wonder just what's up with people.

There's a fine line between judgement and introspection. Sometimes I wonder if I cross it too often.

It's 1am and I've got Randomness going through my head.

And of course I can't sleep. I was however, a good girl today and I went for a walk.
I am feeling a little bit of soreness in my quads. I didn't go for that long, but I think it's a start.

M was in a mood tonight. She worked out so hard that when she got home she was so tired that everything she did was extremely taxing. So I tried to help and at the same time stay out of the way.

I've been praying patiently to God. I want conviction over this weight thing. I want to feel the motivation not to turn away from it. I had it once, but the power is not their yet. I still feel that I could cheat at anytime.

I've also been thinking about church. Money and church even though we like to think our separated; they really aren't It's all about who has it and who doesn't. Why is that do you ask? What happened to the women at the well with the One Mitre?

I would really love to wake up at 6 and go to the gym tomorrow. But I doubt that this is going to happen with me being up right now.

I really need to speak to my T-doc. I haven't spoken to anyone in awhile and I think that's what precipitated my mental spasm on Sunday. That and forgetting a dose of the Effexor.

Talk about major brain zaps; While playing softball I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out. I felt so disjointed from my body. I honestly don't do on purpose, but it ends up that way with me.