AMITYVILLE: MEET JACKSONVILLE

because I can't make these things up. I'm no longer in denial that I live in South. ">

Hohum

Let's see

1. Woke up at 8:30. Went tag saling - only found one item; the 10 commandments for .50 cents. It was really ugly on a piece of wooden board. Removed board and now the shiny part is hanging in my living room. it fits the decor nicely

2. Bought metal screws in effort to rehang spare bedroom door. Screws too small; must go back to Loew's: crap.

3. Used electric screwdriver to tighten own shower bar. Also drilled holes for plant hangers. (oooo, aahh, oooo, ahhh which translates to I love power tools)-said in her best Tim Allen grunt voice

4. Uploaded 20+ cds in effor to convert whole cd collection on to computer. Figured out which one I was going sell on half.com. I realized I have ecclectic crappy taste. Here's a sample of what I loaded: swv, dido, james brown and motown box set.

5. Made banging spaghetti sauce to freeze for meals during the week.

6. Decided that being a bartender is not the best choice for a second job. It's the whole brother's keeper thing.

7. Went miniature golfing and got my but kicked playing air hockey. Got my but kicked by all, which either tells me J sucked or I am slipping big time.

8. Went to Mojo's Kitchen. Absolutely slamming barbecue. That is a lot coming from me who has this thing abour barbecue sauce being on the table rather than having the food be cooked in it.

9.Possibly purposely avoided J. oh well....

10. Came home with a content belly and started this blog... yeah Jenny.

4 day weekend ramble.

1. Just got out of church. I realize that the peace that centers me comes from pray. Why don't I do it enough.

2. Am being bad -will go drinking tomorrow. I have a two drink limit but still know it's not a good idea with the meds. Why am I such a bad girl? Soy una chica muy muy mala.

3. I have the metallic taste of something in my mouth. I can't stand it. I've brushed my teeth 5 times today and still can't get the taste out of my mouth. It's like the metal of new filling uggh.

4. I love happy Babies. Z. makes my day with her snort laugh.

5. I have mixed feeling about bring J out to drink. I'm not sure if this will be a good thing. I'm afraid she will tell Ms. Bliss and then I'm really screwed.

6. I'm sorry but the Jags suck. NE Patriots all the way.

TMy TOP 10 choices for a new job.

10. Hooters wings girl.
9. McCain's VP.
8. America's got talent judge.
7. Underwater basket weaver.
6. Bartender
5. Waitress
4. NAMI Lobbyist.
3. Professional Student
2. Professional Frog Gigger
1. Deal or no Deal case holder

Because you can't spiritualize being given the Bird.

Okay so here's the thing. My main family is my church family; which is okay for the most part. The problem however is day to day life. In living in it, you get stuck with the mundane and I declare it is impossible to "spiritualize" everything. You can't make life always about a spiritual journey. 'Cause it's not. Sometimes it just sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you are forced to ride the metaphysical roller coaster of life. And there's nothing holy about it.

Case in point; you can't spiritualize being given the bird at the intersection where someone is backing up into your parked car. Now maybe you can spiritualize your reaction, but oh the flesh is too immediate and too needy. So there's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I have the attention span of a flea

I Just tried to read some other people's blog on the bipolar ring and I realize that I have an attention span of a flea. Also I've learned I'm partial to small paragraphs. Anything over 10 sentences and my mind goes swimming. Not sure if this is the meds or this is me.

My Used Car Ad

Voice did his used car add so I thought I should do mine as I found the analogy pretty funny. I think I will post a cleaner one on my myspace page.

1976 Large sized Pontiac Ventura. Brown Top, Olive Body. Low mileage, Missing one ball joint (acl tear) One owner. several drivers. Free junk in trunk. Never been in accident but likes to hit curves (hence new tires). Recently hospitalized -oops I mean serviced (tee hee), should be good for at least another 36k. I will pay you to take car.

Fuckity Fuck, Fuck Fuck and other random thoughts

I don't know what it is but I really don't enjoy going back to work. I am extremely paranoid or something. I think everyone knows why I've gone back and what's going on. I also think that my pride is getting in the way. I've been delegated mail person and while that is enough to stress me out these days, I still have some of the pride left in me that I so don't want to be doing this crap.

So I've started posting and looking for other jobs. I'm seriously considering calling my mother. I'm not in trouble now, but I really don't want to get there financially. I wonder if I'm just using more tactics to try and keep control of a situation that I really have no control of.

Spoke with HR person today and believe it or not he seemed less hostile and more on my side. Maybe it was just me. I even made him laugh. Hopefully, some of the comments on my appraisal will get removed.

I think I need to up my meds to twice a day. I notice around 6pm that I start getting jittery.

I think I need to speak with my p-doc about these feelings of morose/paranoia I have. They are so not a good thing.

I am feeling extremely sarcastic right now. Hence the Lewis Black blog title.

Work tomorrow

I will be going back to work tomorrow for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm not sure what this will bring. I'm not sure what this will mean for me. I hope and pray that all will be well. The good news is that I will only have to work a half day.

The apartment is clean

Ohh nelly, I feel so excited. My apartment is clean right now. Not perfectly, but just enough where everything feels like it has a home. It's not in the perferect place. But nonetheless it is a good place.

I just spoke with one of my best friends N. She's the same old same old, just a tad more sarcastic. I love you girl!

Fickle Fay and the Fucking Frogs

Okay normally I don't like to swear, but I really liked the alliteration of the title. Besides I'm way over tired. Wayyy over tired. My apartment walls are so thin that I can hear everything going on with the storms outside. Last night I heard the frogs outside even with the air conditioner and the fan going! My friend who used to live in the same apartment complex said I do once told me that that it was because they were mating that they were so loud. Why is everyone but me getting some? Ah yes, it's those damn standards I have.

Friend Issues

Okay so here's the problem.

My best friend M. and I are on the outs and have been now for at least a month. She feels that I should be more forgiving of the people who hurt me in my past. She thinks that I've held onto too many things for way too long. She wants me to read this stupid book "Healed and Set Free" because she think that's gonna solve all my problems. The issue I have with the book is with the premise of concentrating on your own sin will allow you reflect more favorably on the sins of others who may have hurt you. This logic only serves to make me feel guilty not forgiving.

I think we have just come to stalemate where I have leaned on her for support too hard and for too long. I'm not sure if I just need to back away from the relationship completely. The hard thing is that I am the godmother to her oldest child. I am struggling with keep everything in perspective.

I can't be the way she wants me to be and she is sick of hearing me bitch and complain about my problems/mental illnesses. She doesn't want me to be miserable all the time. And I just can't get past what she wants me to get over. I think some part of this is the illness and that I'm really not trying to cop out. It's very hard explaining this to her because she is so deep in her faith that she thinks that if I just try harder I will get out of this: cause,well, that's how it worked for her.

The problem is that the illness at times takes such a hold of me that it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. While she may get this point still assumes that God is going to deliver me from it all if throug my will. However, It's not going to be the same way as he did for her. Because my relationship is unique just as is all of ours. I'm never going to have the same type of victory; it maybe better better; it may be worse. But right now it's not where I'm at. And I just don't know what to do cause I feel like she's forgotten what it's like to give Grace.

I'm a horn ball

Okay here's the deal:

Pristiq + Abilify = horn ball.

However, this is hard to do anything about when you are seriously overweight and a Tropical storm has everyone and everything batted down. Not to mention the fact that your ex lives in the same city as you and has probably already posted to any online dating site you would have.

You would think this cocktail would kill any remaining sexual libido. Ummm yeah, ...not so much.

I find myself pondering men all the time and all around me. Examples

1. At stop lights: ex: the 18 year old sucking a lollipop next to me in his dodge truck. good god, if you aren't going to share, than at least roll up the window.

2. Walmart; the man in his wife beater. Always Low prices..always.

3. Flash backs of dudes I dated. Where is the chinese food dude with the 007's when you need one?

4. Soaps. There's this young Hispanic dude on Young and the Restless who has black hair and a goateee. Ay Papi, ven aqui por favor.

5. Church. OMG yes chuch. I'm not going to say who specifically but good lord, I'm praising and repenting back to back, cause my mind is a-wandering.

6. M's son. With his horn rimmed glasses and mensa mind, I so want to "yaeger bomb him" the next time we go to Building 5.

7. UNF track team. Why the heck do they have to jog shirtless down southside blvd? Their sinewy shiny bodies are so not conducive to safe driving. Who cares if I'm probably a good 10 years older. I can cook them something other than top shelf or hot dogs.

8. Weathermen. I'm not sure if it's the weird glow that the green screen casts upon them but I find themm immensely attractive these days. Maybe it's just the workings of Fickle Fay.

9. Rednecks. Ever since leaving the hospital I've been thinking I should date one. See how the other half lives. Does morro go well with fried okra? How about grits?

10. Celebrities: Eric Bana(I think it's the Austrailian thing), Brad Pitt (his lips are to die fore), and oddly enough Jake Gyllenehall (spell)

So maybe it's the drugs, maybe it me cycling, maybe it's where I'm at in my menstrual cycle. All I know is that I want sum.

Irony at it's best

So I spent a good part of the day trying to organize my apartment into something that I would enjoy being in. I succeeded only mildly if you judge by cleanliness but majorily if you go by aesthetics. I think I did a fair job getting things going on an artistic level. Now if I could sort of carry that theme of decoration to all rooms of my house. What's hard is that my stuff is just stuff. I don't really buy it
'cause I think it will go with something else. I buy cause I like it. I've got asian mixed with folk, mixed with modern, mixed with country. Go figure.

However, it did feel good to get my glass/pottery on display. As I looked around my living room, it began to feel more mine and homey. I'm just afraid of things being cluttered.

I got a call from HR today. I am supposed to be starting work up on Monday for half days. I hope this will go well. I know that they need me so I am hoping that all will be okay. My biggest fear is that they will suck me in to NB world with C being gone. Until K is gone, I don't think I can really think about anything else.

I haven't been praying a lot lately so I wonder if my lack of clear sense of direction with respect to all this has to do with the fact that I am not sure how/where I should go to look for other opportunities. How hard I should push or whether or not I should even strive to make them happen.

This energy burst to want to clean my apartment is unlike anything that I've felt in the last couple of months. It makes wonder about two things: One am I goin manic and/or is the lack of lamictal/topamax. I actually hear the alarm clocks in the morning. Go figure 2.

'Cause some things should be left well enough alone

I went over a friends house from church who is very pregnant (as opposed to just a little right? tee heee)and due about 3 weeks with number 5 (Bless her heart!). I wanted help her so I decided I would cook for her. I made shepherds pie, garlic bread and brownies. Some of my normal stuff right? Wrong there bucko. She is in to organic stuff and she bought bison meat instead of what Lewis Black would call "red moo cow fuck beef". It looks deceptively normal in the package:



However, there is such a difference in comparison with ground chuck in taste and not in a good way. I am still tasting Bison even though I've tried to kill the taste with chocolate, milk and water. I swear to god my tongue is swelling. Never ever again. The only way I can describe it is like eating medium rare meat. Now I know the meat I cooked was not medium rare, 'cause I browned it, but good god,it might as been a meal for Nosforetu himself for all the blood taste to it...



I guess what I've learned is that some things you just don't fuck with. My ma's shephard's pie recipe is one of them.
Sorry for the cussing, but, that's my mood tonight. So no Ted Turner, I will not be dining at your restaurant anytime soon.

I did however, get fresh eggs from the adventure, I think, I'm going to have them tomorrow with toast. They are suppposed to be high in omega-3 which is supposed to be good for depression.

Little Girl V. Grown-up

Okay so here's my thing.

I saw my t-doc today. As usual she annoys me. Why? Cause she constantly challenges me. she challenges me to think of things differently. I guess she wouldn't think of herself a a licensed cognitive therapist otherwise. She got this metaphor going in my head of little girl v. a grown-up and how I'm fighting growing up emotionally. It's so true and that's probably why I am so annoyed by it; I really don't feel like I can do anything about it.

But I know I can. (Does anyone want to read the Little Engine that could to me?)I feel the world sees me a emotionally immature. (Yes, there I go again using generalizations like the "world", but that's what it feels like. I am having a real hard time coping.)



Maybe I just need a nap and med adjustment.

The type of people you will meet in a mental hospital.

dentists on 4 day weekends
restaurant owners
People who raise crickets for a living
Annuity Analysts
Home makers
Moms
Dads
People who were invited to try out for the Olympics but can't because their in the hospital.
Smokers, definitely smokers
Sucidial people who miss their dead relatives and wish they could join them.
Military Elite
Self-Centered Southern Belles
Nicolas Cage Wanna-be therapists
Therapist who give you more hope than you could ever imagined.
People who can't laugh because they've forgotten how.
Ex-probation officers
Of Mice and Men.
"Strange Fruit" -by Billy Holiday.
Eddy Murphy's Mr. Roger's who know as a job as a cafeteria worker.
Some of the coolest LPN's and RN's ever.
Gene Wilder's Son who is now an orderly.
Shirley Mclain's alter ego in the form a modern day Nurse Ratchet.
Ukranian Sex sadists

ME

Sheer Stupidity

A blog I wrote a couple of weeks ago....


Saturday, I had been running errands in my car when I had gotten thirsty and I had bought a vanilla milkshake from Chic-fil-a. I thought I had finished it all didn't bother to take the container from my car. (Silly me). When I get in my car to go to work on Monday I notice this rank smell, (worse than usual) and I look down at my center console to see milkshake container does indeed have remainents(I thought I had finished it all) - and it has started to curdle and stink up the place.

Me being in a rush, I thought I could wait until I was at work to throw out the offending item, but oh for the love of all things holy, the smell was horrible. So I stopped my car by the apartment complex dumpster to throw out the offending item.

It was then that I had one of those Bill Engvall's Here's Your Sign moments.



I threw my keys in the dumpster.

Shit,


And the horrible thing about it was that they had just emptied the dumpster so my keys were just sitting on bottom sitting in a puddle of nasty garbage juicy just teasing me saying come get me idiot So here I am all dressed up for work, (wearing my hair down mind you) and now I have to devise a scheme to get the keys. I think hey no problem, I'll just go back into my apartment and get my broom.


Oh yeah that's right, my apartment key is on the key chain. I manage find a stick and start trying to play in the garbage garbage juice and just as I think I'm going to be rewarded with the prize of my keys, I fumble the stick and it too falls in the dumpster.

.
Here comes the saving grace, my next door neighbor comes to throw her trash away and I ask for a broom and chair. She obliges, and with a couple of grunts and groans I manage to get the keys. During the process however, I treat the passebys to a splendid view of my derriere swinging in the just rising sun. ..




Now the keys are muddied, greasy and covered with 30 apartments worth of refuse, My arms up to my elbows are covered with what I hope is mud and I rush back into my apartment to hose off. I have to change my clothes and rinse the keys.


So If I smell today, you can tell everyone that I went dumpster diving.

Having a bad day

I am having a bad day. These drugs have made my head incredibly foggy. As I write the things I see myself saying are incredibly trite; i.e. the inability to focus, the irritability, the lack of interest in anything for an extended period of time etc.

Right now I am struggling with telling people about my illness. I have so much pride that I am stuggling with who to tell and who not to tell. My major support system is church and I feel that if I tell them that I would be eliminated for any future leadership opportunities in church. I find this completely ironic considering that I would want to lead something in church considering that I can barely keep my apartment clean.

I'm not suicidal or anything, I just don't know my ass from my elbow these days. I think I need to see my p-med doctor again. I just saw him on Friday and he told me that I needed to come off the Topamax. So it will be the Pristiq and the Abilify only only. I am fighting Depakote/Lithiium as they weight gaining drugs and I so don't need to go there.

Things worthy of note when entering a mental hospital.

1. Think Airplane security. For the most part, you are not allowed the same type of sharp objects such as razors, nail clippers or scissors. Note: I was not allowed my needlepoint crosstich work as these were deemed dangerous.

2. No shoe laces, belts our drawstrings are allowed. These things are considered items patients could harm themselves with.

3. You probably will need a calling card as you can't have a cell phone. In general, most calls are limited to 15-20 minutes. Don't forget to write down the numbers off your cell phone!

4. If you smoke, seriously considering purchasing a carton or see to it that your family will make sure you are fully supplied. Not all places have cigarette machines.

5. Do not bring of anything of value with you as there is no promise made by staff that things will not grow legs and walk away. Case in point someone stole my hair comb and I was forced to used a cheap variety that wreaked havoc on my naturally curly hair.

6. You will be stripped searched so don't even think of smuggling in anything via your nether regions.

7. If you say you think you want to hurt yourself, you will be put in the line of sight watch of someone for at least 72 hours.

8. You probably won't sleep soundly as your are constantly being watched by people at all hours of the night.

9. Bring your own entertainment. While some wards have puzzle and books, these iteams are often of a used and/or poor quality. Bring your own books, pens, paper, playing cards (no spiral notebooks - wire is considered harming agent), puzzlebooks etc. Believe it or not coloring is big with all ages and genders so crayons and coloring books are allowed!

10. You will need change for the vending machines; Bring small bills (1's and 5's) and keep them on you at all times. A good general is rule is about 3 dollars per day, but this may depend on your appetite and the hospital you stay ate.

My hiatus

Did a stint in the hospital in an effort to stabilize. feel a bit better. More blogs willl be forth coming.