Today I did make myself do things.
I did go to the therapy doctor who really didn't flinch when I told her of the diagnosis. She sort of agreed. She went on to say that she thought I had characteristics of personality disorder to which I internally protested. "hog wash". Goth girls with black make-up popped into my head immediately. She did say though that I had a right to a second opinion.
the thought of seeing Dr. PM really upsets me. Maybe because of the clinical nature of the visit. I really don't trust them. (i.e. clinical psychiatrists). They seem so calculating and transaparent. And my thought is -and you are supposed to help me buddy? WTF?
So it's 3:30 am and I am feeding my "poor sleep hygiene" by staying up looking other post about bipolar disorder. It's odd, I can see the mania in other people, but I can't see the mania in myself. I asked my therapist the question of how do you distinguish between being maniac and just working to get yourself out a depression. She said depressed people usually don't succeed in breaking establish habits nor are they able to substain habits for periods of time.
This diagnosis has really thrown me through a loop. It has given me unsightly glasses through which to analyze past behavior. I don't like it. It makes me wonder what part of me was every healthy in the first place.
I am so afraid of the stigma. I am so afraid of what all this will mean.
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