changes

So much has changed since I have last used this sight. Yet very much remains the same. I am married and live in my own home. It feels surreal saying that. In 2 and 1/2 years time if all goes well my student loans will be paid off. I still really worry a lot about things I can't control including my husbands health. He was fecally incontinent awhile back and it really made me worry. I worry all the time and it breaks down into fits of uncontrolled crying.

Serenity

A lot has changed sinced the last time I wrote. I have come to the realization that I have an eating disorder. This eating disorder is going to kill me if I don't take some actions. I am working with a sponsor to try and deal with some of these demons. God I offer myself to the to build with me and to do with me thou wilt. God what the heck could you build with me today? I really have been a gym rat today. I really haven't done much serving others. I just wanted to move. It makesme feel so strong. Would you have me be a house wife for the for rest of my life? How am I going to make money to live. So many thoughts that I strive to run from. Today I did crossfit and walked 3.2 miles. Have I meditated? NO. Have I prayed No. I just feel like my sponsor is going to drop me. God what can you do with this willful child. I really feel like I have to make an ammend with this tupperware situation. I know it sounds completely hokey. It's the only thing that comes to mind. Relieve me of the bondage of self I have thoughts that are just about me and Gosh I want that to stop. I really don't want to call that person about the yarn. I just have these weird boundaries. Church and me are distant these days. I know draw near to him and he will draw near to me. Blah Blah. Perhaps I should do my bible study for next week. It will be the fourth week that I don't go. that I may better do Thy will Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness of those that I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy way of life. May I do thy will always My difficulties are my thoughts of myself. It's not doing what my husband would have me do. He would want me connect more with other people.

https://www.quikly.com/dominos/s/ZLVNZgqV?utm_content=blogger

grandma has died

and I have chose to numb with reality tv and amazon prime. I will probably end up flunking out of graduate school. I have been suspended from work. It's like life just keeps getting better.

Cycling

is a lot like riding a bike.
Sometimes you are up
Sometimes you are down.
Regardless you must pedal

Pedaling is easier depending on the gear you are in.
Sometimes you pedal and go nowhere.
Sometimes you pedal and see the world in front of your eyes
Just at a hand brake's distance.

sometimes,
the wind cut at you and tries to keep you down.
Other times it's at your back pushing you along.

Regardless you must pedal,

I need to learn to enjoy the ride
and not to try to control things.

Maybe I should get a bike
and do a new type of
cycling.

because I'm a huge hypocrite

So I was multitasking hardcore today doing my usual of surfing the internet and watching television when I took notice of the all the applications on my desktop. There were at least 4 columns of them. It made me realize I needed to do some "housecleaning" as I didn't think that I had installed so much stuff on my computer. I started to delete this one icon call "Network" when I realized this might not be a good thing as it might mess up my internet connection. So I double click on it and realize there's some dude named "Gerald Household" who has decided to set up a NETWORK WITH MY MODEM!!!!.

For you layman/women, someone is using my internet for free and has hacked my puter! Now I knew I had an unsecured connection but I couldn't believe someone would have the audacity to put an icon on my desktop. By this time I am fuming.

So I go into my network utilities and figure out how secure the connection. Previously I had tried to do this manually, but had only managed to screw up some socket connection. HP has this utility to do it for you in a point in click fashion which made it really easy. As J would put it, I just created a really effective cock block. Or I prefer to say I "oshun'd" it.

However these actions make me feel like a hypocrite. Why you ask? Because I am such an internet/wifi hacker myself. If while I'm traveling I find a free internet spot, I am all over it. But personally I don't want to share my stuff. Partly it is a fear of viruses, partly it is a fear of someone stealing my financial info. Partly I don't want people to steal my music.

For me it was the boldness of the other person's actions coupled with the fact that I pay 50 bucks month for high speed. I felt such as strong sense of justice and someone to knock on my door and ask for me to give the key so they could be added back into the network. It hasn't happened yet, but you never know.. tee hee.

I would only charge them 20 bucks a month for the connection. After all, this is a free market society.

AMITYVILLE: MEET JACKSONVILLE

because I can't make these things up. I'm no longer in denial that I live in South. ">

Hohum

Let's see

1. Woke up at 8:30. Went tag saling - only found one item; the 10 commandments for .50 cents. It was really ugly on a piece of wooden board. Removed board and now the shiny part is hanging in my living room. it fits the decor nicely

2. Bought metal screws in effort to rehang spare bedroom door. Screws too small; must go back to Loew's: crap.

3. Used electric screwdriver to tighten own shower bar. Also drilled holes for plant hangers. (oooo, aahh, oooo, ahhh which translates to I love power tools)-said in her best Tim Allen grunt voice

4. Uploaded 20+ cds in effor to convert whole cd collection on to computer. Figured out which one I was going sell on half.com. I realized I have ecclectic crappy taste. Here's a sample of what I loaded: swv, dido, james brown and motown box set.

5. Made banging spaghetti sauce to freeze for meals during the week.

6. Decided that being a bartender is not the best choice for a second job. It's the whole brother's keeper thing.

7. Went miniature golfing and got my but kicked playing air hockey. Got my but kicked by all, which either tells me J sucked or I am slipping big time.

8. Went to Mojo's Kitchen. Absolutely slamming barbecue. That is a lot coming from me who has this thing abour barbecue sauce being on the table rather than having the food be cooked in it.

9.Possibly purposely avoided J. oh well....

10. Came home with a content belly and started this blog... yeah Jenny.

4 day weekend ramble.

1. Just got out of church. I realize that the peace that centers me comes from pray. Why don't I do it enough.

2. Am being bad -will go drinking tomorrow. I have a two drink limit but still know it's not a good idea with the meds. Why am I such a bad girl? Soy una chica muy muy mala.

3. I have the metallic taste of something in my mouth. I can't stand it. I've brushed my teeth 5 times today and still can't get the taste out of my mouth. It's like the metal of new filling uggh.

4. I love happy Babies. Z. makes my day with her snort laugh.

5. I have mixed feeling about bring J out to drink. I'm not sure if this will be a good thing. I'm afraid she will tell Ms. Bliss and then I'm really screwed.

6. I'm sorry but the Jags suck. NE Patriots all the way.

TMy TOP 10 choices for a new job.

10. Hooters wings girl.
9. McCain's VP.
8. America's got talent judge.
7. Underwater basket weaver.
6. Bartender
5. Waitress
4. NAMI Lobbyist.
3. Professional Student
2. Professional Frog Gigger
1. Deal or no Deal case holder

Because you can't spiritualize being given the Bird.

Okay so here's the thing. My main family is my church family; which is okay for the most part. The problem however is day to day life. In living in it, you get stuck with the mundane and I declare it is impossible to "spiritualize" everything. You can't make life always about a spiritual journey. 'Cause it's not. Sometimes it just sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you are forced to ride the metaphysical roller coaster of life. And there's nothing holy about it.

Case in point; you can't spiritualize being given the bird at the intersection where someone is backing up into your parked car. Now maybe you can spiritualize your reaction, but oh the flesh is too immediate and too needy. So there's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I have the attention span of a flea

I Just tried to read some other people's blog on the bipolar ring and I realize that I have an attention span of a flea. Also I've learned I'm partial to small paragraphs. Anything over 10 sentences and my mind goes swimming. Not sure if this is the meds or this is me.

My Used Car Ad

Voice did his used car add so I thought I should do mine as I found the analogy pretty funny. I think I will post a cleaner one on my myspace page.

1976 Large sized Pontiac Ventura. Brown Top, Olive Body. Low mileage, Missing one ball joint (acl tear) One owner. several drivers. Free junk in trunk. Never been in accident but likes to hit curves (hence new tires). Recently hospitalized -oops I mean serviced (tee hee), should be good for at least another 36k. I will pay you to take car.

Fuckity Fuck, Fuck Fuck and other random thoughts

I don't know what it is but I really don't enjoy going back to work. I am extremely paranoid or something. I think everyone knows why I've gone back and what's going on. I also think that my pride is getting in the way. I've been delegated mail person and while that is enough to stress me out these days, I still have some of the pride left in me that I so don't want to be doing this crap.

So I've started posting and looking for other jobs. I'm seriously considering calling my mother. I'm not in trouble now, but I really don't want to get there financially. I wonder if I'm just using more tactics to try and keep control of a situation that I really have no control of.

Spoke with HR person today and believe it or not he seemed less hostile and more on my side. Maybe it was just me. I even made him laugh. Hopefully, some of the comments on my appraisal will get removed.

I think I need to up my meds to twice a day. I notice around 6pm that I start getting jittery.

I think I need to speak with my p-doc about these feelings of morose/paranoia I have. They are so not a good thing.

I am feeling extremely sarcastic right now. Hence the Lewis Black blog title.

Work tomorrow

I will be going back to work tomorrow for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm not sure what this will bring. I'm not sure what this will mean for me. I hope and pray that all will be well. The good news is that I will only have to work a half day.

The apartment is clean

Ohh nelly, I feel so excited. My apartment is clean right now. Not perfectly, but just enough where everything feels like it has a home. It's not in the perferect place. But nonetheless it is a good place.

I just spoke with one of my best friends N. She's the same old same old, just a tad more sarcastic. I love you girl!

Fickle Fay and the Fucking Frogs

Okay normally I don't like to swear, but I really liked the alliteration of the title. Besides I'm way over tired. Wayyy over tired. My apartment walls are so thin that I can hear everything going on with the storms outside. Last night I heard the frogs outside even with the air conditioner and the fan going! My friend who used to live in the same apartment complex said I do once told me that that it was because they were mating that they were so loud. Why is everyone but me getting some? Ah yes, it's those damn standards I have.

Friend Issues

Okay so here's the problem.

My best friend M. and I are on the outs and have been now for at least a month. She feels that I should be more forgiving of the people who hurt me in my past. She thinks that I've held onto too many things for way too long. She wants me to read this stupid book "Healed and Set Free" because she think that's gonna solve all my problems. The issue I have with the book is with the premise of concentrating on your own sin will allow you reflect more favorably on the sins of others who may have hurt you. This logic only serves to make me feel guilty not forgiving.

I think we have just come to stalemate where I have leaned on her for support too hard and for too long. I'm not sure if I just need to back away from the relationship completely. The hard thing is that I am the godmother to her oldest child. I am struggling with keep everything in perspective.

I can't be the way she wants me to be and she is sick of hearing me bitch and complain about my problems/mental illnesses. She doesn't want me to be miserable all the time. And I just can't get past what she wants me to get over. I think some part of this is the illness and that I'm really not trying to cop out. It's very hard explaining this to her because she is so deep in her faith that she thinks that if I just try harder I will get out of this: cause,well, that's how it worked for her.

The problem is that the illness at times takes such a hold of me that it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. While she may get this point still assumes that God is going to deliver me from it all if throug my will. However, It's not going to be the same way as he did for her. Because my relationship is unique just as is all of ours. I'm never going to have the same type of victory; it maybe better better; it may be worse. But right now it's not where I'm at. And I just don't know what to do cause I feel like she's forgotten what it's like to give Grace.

I'm a horn ball

Okay here's the deal:

Pristiq + Abilify = horn ball.

However, this is hard to do anything about when you are seriously overweight and a Tropical storm has everyone and everything batted down. Not to mention the fact that your ex lives in the same city as you and has probably already posted to any online dating site you would have.

You would think this cocktail would kill any remaining sexual libido. Ummm yeah, ...not so much.

I find myself pondering men all the time and all around me. Examples

1. At stop lights: ex: the 18 year old sucking a lollipop next to me in his dodge truck. good god, if you aren't going to share, than at least roll up the window.

2. Walmart; the man in his wife beater. Always Low prices..always.

3. Flash backs of dudes I dated. Where is the chinese food dude with the 007's when you need one?

4. Soaps. There's this young Hispanic dude on Young and the Restless who has black hair and a goateee. Ay Papi, ven aqui por favor.

5. Church. OMG yes chuch. I'm not going to say who specifically but good lord, I'm praising and repenting back to back, cause my mind is a-wandering.

6. M's son. With his horn rimmed glasses and mensa mind, I so want to "yaeger bomb him" the next time we go to Building 5.

7. UNF track team. Why the heck do they have to jog shirtless down southside blvd? Their sinewy shiny bodies are so not conducive to safe driving. Who cares if I'm probably a good 10 years older. I can cook them something other than top shelf or hot dogs.

8. Weathermen. I'm not sure if it's the weird glow that the green screen casts upon them but I find themm immensely attractive these days. Maybe it's just the workings of Fickle Fay.

9. Rednecks. Ever since leaving the hospital I've been thinking I should date one. See how the other half lives. Does morro go well with fried okra? How about grits?

10. Celebrities: Eric Bana(I think it's the Austrailian thing), Brad Pitt (his lips are to die fore), and oddly enough Jake Gyllenehall (spell)

So maybe it's the drugs, maybe it me cycling, maybe it's where I'm at in my menstrual cycle. All I know is that I want sum.

Irony at it's best

So I spent a good part of the day trying to organize my apartment into something that I would enjoy being in. I succeeded only mildly if you judge by cleanliness but majorily if you go by aesthetics. I think I did a fair job getting things going on an artistic level. Now if I could sort of carry that theme of decoration to all rooms of my house. What's hard is that my stuff is just stuff. I don't really buy it
'cause I think it will go with something else. I buy cause I like it. I've got asian mixed with folk, mixed with modern, mixed with country. Go figure.

However, it did feel good to get my glass/pottery on display. As I looked around my living room, it began to feel more mine and homey. I'm just afraid of things being cluttered.

I got a call from HR today. I am supposed to be starting work up on Monday for half days. I hope this will go well. I know that they need me so I am hoping that all will be okay. My biggest fear is that they will suck me in to NB world with C being gone. Until K is gone, I don't think I can really think about anything else.

I haven't been praying a lot lately so I wonder if my lack of clear sense of direction with respect to all this has to do with the fact that I am not sure how/where I should go to look for other opportunities. How hard I should push or whether or not I should even strive to make them happen.

This energy burst to want to clean my apartment is unlike anything that I've felt in the last couple of months. It makes wonder about two things: One am I goin manic and/or is the lack of lamictal/topamax. I actually hear the alarm clocks in the morning. Go figure 2.