Today was a good day

1. Woke up 7pm; spent way too long in tub as usual. It is where I usually wake up.
2. Listened to Lex and Terry; they are great except when they start talking about women. Could so totally do without the Bitch word today -unless of course they are referring to themselves.
3. Drove to work. Uneventful
4. Was assisgned several (gasp) transactions, was swimming. I am having a really hard time concentrating. Who what of thunk that of a Smithie?
5. Came home made banana bread, ate a whole freschetta pizza way too quickly, ended up burning the roof of my mouth.
6. Went to the gym, spent 40 minutes on treadmill and 5 minutes on the stairs from hell machine.
7.Came home and read Exodus; I got to the good part where moses parts the read sea
8. Had chamomile tea.

BIPOLAR NOS

I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar NOS. I'm going through more psychological testing to confirm this. I have a history of PTSD and sexual abuse so I'm a bit weary of this diagnosis. But I've been on SSRI's for over 10 years with less than mediocre results.

Regarding NOS: for those of you not familiar with this terminology: it means not otherwise specified. It is defined by the DSM as:
Examples:

A. Fast cycling between Manic and Depressive Episodes.
B. Bipolar not primary disorder but still present.
C. Bipolar Disorder present in a Delusional Disorder,residual Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified( NOS ).
D. Hypomanic or manic Episodes with no Depressive Episode

According to Wikipedia ad my doctor Bipolar Nos is "..is a catch-all diagnosis that is used to indicate bipolar illness that does not fit into the other diagnostic categories. If an individual clearly seems to be suffering from some type of bipolar disorder but does not meet the criteria for one of the subtypes above, he or she receives a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)."

Confused? Join the club! But wait, what axis would that confusion fall under?

THE ELUSIVE STICKY BUN

I have just come back from Boston where I spent the last four days. I really do love Jet Blue with their XM sateliette radio and movie chanels. However, I will never drive out of Boston again. It was an absolutely horrific experience. My plan landed at 5:30pm and I didn't get in to Amy's house until 10:30pm ( a trip that takes an 1.5 hours at most with rush hour traffic). I was like a lost Hebrew on a journey that should have only taken 11 days but ended up taking forty years. OMG! I knew there was a lot of one way streets but I ended spending over an hour trying to get out of Revere because of this damn sign:

It constantly kept me from going from the direction I came. Thank God I rented a compact car or I would have to raffle off my first born to pay for the gas I used getting in the right direction.

My other excitement was that I got to spend awesome bonding time with my goddaughter Michaela. She's growing up to quite a little lady. I took her to my old stomping grounds (aka Emmanuael College, Downtown Crossing, South Station etc) and showed her all the places her mom and I went to school. There was a bit of construction going on, so we didn't get to see that much. They did appear to have expanded a bit.

I also took her to the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum. This was one of my favorite paintings called EL Jaleo:

The rendering here just doesn't do justice to the colors John Singer Sargent used.

I also offered to get Michaela's ears pierced and initally she was all for it. She was so excited, talking about what type of stud she was going to get. She picked out her birthstone and was ready to go. Michaela made her way to the chair where the women put the dots on her ear and had me inspect to make sure they were even. (I had to pretend I was her mother, which is pretty ironic considering she has blue eyes and blond hair and I have brown hair and brown eyes, but I digress). Then she saw the woman load the the gun with her chosen earrings and she FLIPPED out. She went completely pale and asked if she could back out of it. I had already paid for it, so I was like "Kayla, don't look at her, look at me. " But she would have none of that and she literally jumped out of the chair as the women came toward her with the loaded earing gun.

So rather than have her earings pierced, I got my second my second holes. It stung a little bit, but I've had them done before so I knew what to expect. Kayla couldn't even her watch me get my ear pierced. She literally looked like she was going to faint. For a good 20 minutes afterward she had absolutely no color in her face and kept on saying OMG, OMG. I reassured her and said that she could do it when she was ready, but all she could talk about was her fear of needles.

We also tried to find the elusive sticky bound at this place called Flour, Bakery and Cafe. Unfortunately 2 train rides later we get there only to find out that they have run out before we even got there. WHATTTT? We were so ticked offf and tired that we just ended up heading back home on the commuter rail.

We did manage to ride every line except the blue line in our endeavors. Kayla got a kick out of standing up while the T was in motion.

Work Anthem

Okay, So I heard this song, and it so appropos. It personifies work totally.
Just a history, a dad wrote this song for his daughter who was having a bad day. He went on further to say that is was a great song to humm under your breath in secret and noone will know.

More from mysongs at Myxer

Blame it on the Chips Ahoy

So it's 1:26am and I can't sleep. I ate a sleeve (yes a complete sleeve) of chips Ahoy cookies. And then I proceeded to go to sleep. Now I'm wide awake with a tummy ache pondering life. Not really depressed about anything, just thinking.

I should have done my bible study, but I was too exhausted to think. So this is my punishment; i.e I am wide awake. I was caught up today in the whole HR thing and people giving their feedback on "the work situation". Right now I'm so conviced that they think me insane that I just hope I have a job down the road. Something is going on as there is a big meeting on Friday. I am so hoping they lay me off. Severence is kick ass and I just might be able to movie back to north. Woohoo. Think of it, I actually am looking forward to moving back to family dsyfunction.

Just took some nasal spray and zytec, - I hope sleepy land is not far off. In the meantime I will let you in on my thoughts as I had my t-doc today.

1. I largely base my behavior, i.e. whether I should be happy, sad, indifferent based on the behaviours of others. If they are happy then I am happy; if they are sad than I am sad. This is so not healthy and speaks largely of co-dependency.

2. I was thinking of joining OE. Maybe it would provide a support group for me and issues of food. Maybe this way I could loose weight and feel good about myself.

3. I am truly not taking care of myself. For the past 4 years I have lived on fast food, coke and carb highs to function through the good and bad times. I also have not been consistent about exercising. I know for a fact that when I exercise I feel so much better about myself.

4. I love to cook, I just hate cooking for myself; It's probably because I am always cooking too much.

5. I've got to stop the really self hate dialogue.

6. I have the deer in headlights syndrome big time. My deer is sort of iconoclastic though see above. It probably come from 9+ years in working in the financial world.

RAMBLINGS AS USUAL

So I started doing yoga again with Red. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. It's not the power stuff that I used to in 80 degree heat, but that's probably just as well. My goal is 20 pounds and then we will see from there. I find that if I get my heart rate up, then I sleep like a log that night; which is awesome. I am doing the eliptical thought for cardio.
I think I'm gonna start swimming some. Nothing use to quite tire me out like a couple of laps was younger.

A year ago today
I was ankle deep in mud and god nows what else trying to build a wall in the domican republic. Trying not fall apart about broken engagement. I was literally just put one foot in front of the other hour by hour. God in his infinite wisdom has slowly begin to heal me and my anxst. Praise be.
I'm not there yet, but thank god I'm not where I was.

How I know I’m getting old.
1. It's been raining all day and my knees ache.
2. If I eat past 9pm I get indigestion the next day.
3. The songs that I listen to are on the easy listening station.
4. Gray hairs crop up all over my head.
5.I remember the first runs of Cheers and friends.
6. My coworkers who graduated high school in 2001
just rambling thoughts....

DAY ONE: BACK TO WORK

Today I went back to work. Absolutely everything and everyone was quiet. C was not there so I think that was why it was a little less dramatic. J and K did not really talk to me; which is fine. Hr called which touched off the panic attacks. HR Dude berated me for not contacting him while I was on leave. Ironic thing is that he has not gotten any further in the investigation of the work conditions. So now I have to send in a medical leave form and pray my psychiatrist will complete it. I am so done with that place. You know, I'm not crazy; not at least about this. I really need to find a new job. I really wish I could talk to my mom about this. 'Course she would probably fly off the handle and want to come down here. Good God help me. I would rather poke my eyes out with a dull toothpick.

The emotions of it all. I have a really hard time not being believed. I'm not good at communicating or convincing people of what I am trying to say. People often look at me like I've got three heads. Or they misconstrue what I say. I appear to speak in double entendres.

Did the eliptical today for 25 minutes and then did yoga class. I'm hoping this will help me sleep tonight.

I am fighting taking the seroquel. All the side effects sound terrible. And I so don't want to gain anymore weight.

Today:I was completely random.

1. Woke up around 11:30 am. Totally missed my endeavor to get to the bank so that I could cancel my debit card that I can't find. As a result had to go to the Publix to get 25 dollars out via check so that I could put gas in my car. I really hate writing checks.
2. Went to the library and checked out Pride and Prejuidice (with Keira Knightley who never moves her top lip through the whole movie), Idlewild and Little Miss Sunshine.
3. Bought other random groceries that I will probably not need but will let go bad in my fridge noneless.
4. Stopped by the Y and debated on whether or not I should go swimming. Decided against as it was only an 1 hour left before they closed.
5. Had Cheeseburgers that were too much on the medium well side.
6. Managed to do my dishes while listening to the Blood of Flowers. It's interesting learning about Iranian Culture.
7. Hung up the closed that I washed last tuesday.
8. Filled up 1 and 1/2 leaf bags full of the trash that was circulating my kitchen and living room.
9. Danced Oshun around my living room to Andre's 200o's strange ass beats.
10. Scored neighbor garage and yard sales for old bikes that I might be able to buy for 20 bucks.
11. Finally got my proof of insurance inside my vehicle.
12. Checked my cellphone several times to see if anyone left me a message. Hmm; shocker noone did.
13. Missed Max way too much. Thought that I shouldn't have let things go down the way they did.
14. Thought about the fact that a year ago today I was on a missionary trip in the Dominican Republic.
15. Thought about the fact that now I have this "disorder" no one will respect my thoughts for what they are nor will they credit me with the justice that I crave so badly; Instead they will always wonder if I need a meds adjustment.
16. Painted my toes; put little design on them: took Me's (my best friend) ideas and bought all the implements to put my own little rhinestones on my toes.
17. Washed my kitchen floor for the first time since moving in October.
18. Disembowled a wasp that got caught in my kitchen window.

I tried

I tried to go to work today: but umm, I didn't fall asleep until about 5:30am or so. Very poor sleep hygiene. I woke up at 8:15am and tried to piece together everything. I should have stopped the effort when I couldn't find my keys and was about to start crying. I got up with the notion that I would go to the bank to report my debit card lost ( a whole other heart wrenching story-sigh) and got as far as the drive up line at the teller before I realized that umm, I wasn't going to make it. I could barely keep my eyes open and felt the merest provocation would set me into a tailspin. I thought this might not be the best circumstances to try to tolerate the Wicked Witches of the North, South, East and West.

So I got on the phone with with the psych doc and asked to have my note switched so that I go back on monday. Technically I'm still in my 10 day loa grace so I'm okay. And if I don't get the note on time; dem's the berries kid; I will just have to take a vacation day.

I will however be going to see African Queen tonight at the beaches; That is provided that I wake up from my tramadol induced coma. Yeah that's right; having back spasms again, (i.e. part 2 of why I couldn't sleep last night) We'll see.

Umm so I did it: I exercised

I really need to commit to this. I know it will help my mood tremendously. I am so afraid of hypomania. More so than the depression. I know depression. I know how it works and I know how to wallow in it. I know how to milk it for all its worth.

I am afraid of going hypomanic. I don't know the difference between being hypomanic and "normal" aka even keel. Just what the heck is that?

Anyhoot, getting back to the subject at hand: exercise. I kept my membership at the Y and did 35 minutes on the eliptical and hour of yoga class. Some might consider this excessive but I wanted to make sure that I went down easily tonight as I start back to work tomorrow.
I did it with my mentor C and I felt very good afterword. Now the subway meatball sub I ate afterwords probably cancelled out any caloric benefit I had gained, but I loved the soreness I have in my muscles makes it all the worth while.

I fear it: Work. I know I have people there who believe in me. But the pure hate that others emit just wears me down. It really has made me realize that I feed off other moods tremendously. I let others up and downs govern my behaviour. I know that it comes from my youth and my childhood, but it is so autonomic that it really needs to stop.

I thought this was going to be a long winded blog, but I'm beginning to wind down. I hope to be asleep by midnight.

Wednesday: A new meaning to hump day

Today I did make myself do things.
I did go to the therapy doctor who really didn't flinch when I told her of the diagnosis. She sort of agreed. She went on to say that she thought I had characteristics of personality disorder to which I internally protested. "hog wash". Goth girls with black make-up popped into my head immediately. She did say though that I had a right to a second opinion.

the thought of seeing Dr. PM really upsets me. Maybe because of the clinical nature of the visit. I really don't trust them. (i.e. clinical psychiatrists). They seem so calculating and transaparent. And my thought is -and you are supposed to help me buddy? WTF?

So it's 3:30 am and I am feeding my "poor sleep hygiene" by staying up looking other post about bipolar disorder. It's odd, I can see the mania in other people, but I can't see the mania in myself. I asked my therapist the question of how do you distinguish between being maniac and just working to get yourself out a depression. She said depressed people usually don't succeed in breaking establish habits nor are they able to substain habits for periods of time.

This diagnosis has really thrown me through a loop. It has given me unsightly glasses through which to analyze past behavior. I don't like it. It makes me wonder what part of me was every healthy in the first place.

I am so afraid of the stigma. I am so afraid of what all this will mean.