NOS CHICK: AMERICA'S "NEW OTHER"

Trust Jesus

2011-08-26T20:14:00.001-04:00

Okay when I'm really stressed, I sometimes get a hankering for some really good Puerto Rican food, (my version of comfort food). That being said, I know that I need to go to High street in my hometown to get it. So that's what I attempted to do tonight for supper. Unfortunately all the restaurants were closed, but I did get fed. I'll tell you how:

See there's this guy; I don't know his name, but he stands out on High street during different times of the day evangelizing. He is usually always smiling, listening to music on his headphones as he bee bops along. Occasionally he will wave to people. The thing that is cool about him is that he hold this very basic sign. Very simply it says "TRUST JESUS".

As I usually do, I honk my horn to show him my support. But then I got to thinking about why that man was there on that part of High street at that particular time. (He usually stands a little further down). It was then that I realized God was trying to tell me something. When I saw the man, I was caught up trying to figure out how I was going to be able to work a full time job and do my internship at the same time. (I was actually thinking so hard, I almost didn't see him) While I have most of the details figured out on how to make everything work,(I've been working this for a year now) there are still some major things that I just can't square away in my head just yet and I start my internship in less than 3 weeks. And of course, I have begun to worry. But seeing that sign and that man's faith snapped me back into reality.

I've come to the conclusion that I have became a little like Paul when Jesus commanded him to walk on water these last couple of weeks. Peter was doing fine until took his eyes of Jesus, and then he began to sink. For Peter, it was into the physical sea, for me it has become a sea of despair even though I've gotten this far. In my own skin, I still haven't figured out how its all going to work. And for me that has always meant that I have to work harder, control more, and worry more. But you know what; I'm seriously questioning this old fleshly philosophies these days. I'm not sure if its my re-dedication or what, but I think what boils down to is that I really have to trust more. Trust God, Trust Jesus, Trust myself and trust others.

So again I will pick up my cross once again and follow you Lord. Because I believe this is what you have called me to do. I am convinced you have a plan for me, plans to grow me and not to harm me. I know you want to give me the desires of my heart that are in accordance with your will for my life. Thank you for sending that earthly Angel disguised in the form of man to minister to me tonight. Proof positive that everything is used to your glory...

Like Kirk Franklin sings to God in the last lines of the song "Be Still and know I am God", Lord I know as Kirks say... "You got this... You Got this".

Huge Anxiety...

2011-08-22T20:28:00.001-04:00

Um.. so I'm supposed to start back to work Wednesday, but I am so not ready yet. I really want to the 5th off, but I'm not sure if that's gonna happen. I will find out tomorrow. Fingers crossed, because there is not enough anti-anxiety medication in the world to keep me from climbing the walls...

So I fight

2011-08-02T01:07:00.001-04:00

So with out getting into the specifics, I've had a myriad of the health problems these last few weeks and for me it has been brought up a lot of issues from my youth. And while I know no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent (Eleanor Roosevelt), I just have to get this off my chest, because I feel so frustrated.

Right now I have extremely high blood pressure. (like to the point of needing to be hospitalized blood pressure) and severe migraines. But with the current health care system being what it is, I've had several Dr's appt's that have yielded very few results except emptying my wallet. Nothing seems to work and I am feeling very frustrated as well as physically horrible.

So I fight, I fight doctor's who tell me they can't see until the next three weeks. I make call upon call in search of someone who can help. I buy a planner to organize all my appointments and drugs. I try to find the right drug cocktail that will not only alleviate the symptom but also possibly find the cure.

I fight the feelings of inadequacy that this bring up because dr's literally or indirectly say or act in manner that suggests they they don't have time for you, that they are sorry for you, or that they wish you were better.

I fight a health care system that at times does nothing to empower its recepients into actually managing their own care, by treating them as they don't know their own bodies or their own respective needs.

I fight doctors, family, friends, clergy, who literally tell me they are doing me favors, that they don't have to see me, that it's all in my head, that I'm being difficult, that I'm too x or too z, or that I'm just not worth it.

I fight with having awful insurance, wondering if I had state insurance or a better provider if I would have a better level of care or if people would see me differently.

I fight the notion that because of my race ethnicity, genetic predisposition, location in an economic depressed comunity that I am being stereotyped, pigeoned holed, and just generally not heard or treated with the best possible care.

I fight the multiple physical and emotional side effects, the feeling of being my own pharmaceutical company with the hope that tomorrow someone will get it right or at least tomorrow will be a better day.

I fight the work it takes to be sick and want to surrender because if no one else cares, why should I?

I fight the urge to give up, check out, and think its all in my ahead.

I fight by seeing see my nutrionist, my dermatologist, my gyncologist, neurologist, emeregency room doc, my pastor, my GP, my nurse practioner, my opthomologist, my optomotrist, my counselor, my urologist, my psychiatrist, my neurologist and demand answers not scripts or pity.

I search the internet, speak with other people who had these conditions, seek God, Seek Jesus, prayer, cry, vent in an effort to understand myself and ultimately make myself better.

I take advice from doctors who tell me it's xyz, I hear friends who tell me it's from having a lack of faith in God and that this all a test. I get told things like I that I need to pray more, have more trust in God, read my bible, fellowship, and believe God has the answers. I get told to exercise more, eat less, and let go of things mentally. While I believe that is all true, it makes me feel like if I could only believe or trust a little more this problem would be gone. Which does nothing to make me feel empowered or build a sense of security.

I fight friends and family who mean well, who offer cures, who make suggestions, who for the most part listen and don't judge, but don't really get it either because they never really been there or it's just too painful for them to relate.

I fight the urge to take the pity/apologies of friends, family and doctor's and tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Don't get me wrong; I ultimately think this is happening for a reason; I think this will ultimately make a better social worker, but of course I get stuck on the question of why regardless; i.e., why does it have to be this way. Why are all the systems so broken. Why does the health care system refuse to treat the whole person, i.e. mind, body, spirit. Is it just because they don't know how many co-pays they should charge?

There's got to be a better answer. So in mean time, I wait. I pray, and I fight.

And damn it; I'm tired.

Doctor's office.

2011-08-01T16:44:00.001-04:00

Am in a partial hospitalization program right now. I am stressing big time. So now with all that's going on they definitely think I am bipolar. I am not sure if this is a relief or a mixed blessing. I had high blood pressure today and I am all stressed out about stupid shit. Trying to reclaim pieces of my life. And they are scattering like clues on a scavenger hunt. I don't know if I am hungry or just anxious. I couldn't really be bothered to get food, but I am hungry. I don't want the delicious good for you grapes that are in my bag. No, instead, I want all the fried and fast food goodness I can find. I really think I just want to go home and take a nap. However, this fricken doctor is is taken her sweet time and I am about to flip a lid.

To be continued.

discipline

2010-05-24T21:37:00.001-04:00

I feel like I'm lacking. Conviction is what I need. Maybe reading the book will help. I'm willing to give anything a try for once.

weekend

2010-05-16T20:51:00.002-04:00

It was interesting this weekend in that I went to Boston. I forgot how much of my young adulthood is locked up with that town. I had fun. But at the same time I was quiet. Can I just say I spend way too much time in my head. It give me time to think about I sit and wonder just what's up with people.

There's a fine line between judgement and introspection. Sometimes I wonder if I cross it too often.

It's 1am and I've got Randomness going through my head.

2010-05-11T01:06:00.003-04:00

And of course I can't sleep. I was however, a good girl today and I went for a walk.
I am feeling a little bit of soreness in my quads. I didn't go for that long, but I think it's a start.

M was in a mood tonight. She worked out so hard that when she got home she was so tired that everything she did was extremely taxing. So I tried to help and at the same time stay out of the way.

I've been praying patiently to God. I want conviction over this weight thing. I want to feel the motivation not to turn away from it. I had it once, but the power is not their yet. I still feel that I could cheat at anytime.

I've also been thinking about church. Money and church even though we like to think our separated; they really aren't It's all about who has it and who doesn't. Why is that do you ask? What happened to the women at the well with the One Mitre?

I would really love to wake up at 6 and go to the gym tomorrow. But I doubt that this is going to happen with me being up right now.

I really need to speak to my T-doc. I haven't spoken to anyone in awhile and I think that's what precipitated my mental spasm on Sunday. That and forgetting a dose of the Effexor.

Talk about major brain zaps; While playing softball I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out. I felt so disjointed from my body. I honestly don't do on purpose, but it ends up that way with me.

So I'm a pretty good place

2010-05-07T19:44:00.002-04:00

It hasn't been this good in a long time. I just wonder what God is up to. I think he's stripping me from all things so that I have is him. It can very lonely at times.
I hate it being a Friday night and not having no where to go. It makes me feel like maybe I should have a second job so that I am not home alone. But then there's that whole idea of what I am supposed to be working on right. I'm supposed to be working on getting healthier.

I don't have any conviction to eat better. And I know I am getting bigger. I just don't know. Why is the desire not to eat not there? I think it's stress and coping mechanisms. I need to learn how to have less stress and better coping skills. I don't want to be a Mangie barking type of gal.

I think the thing that I forget is that I show people how to treat me. And If it's a victim mentality or even that of a kid, then that's what it is. I really need to work on how I can change this. I'm just not sure anymore about anything.

Today was not a good day

2010-04-12T19:47:00.002-04:00

So um, went to new T-doc today.

And she was just too earthy crunchy crystal wearing no good for me. And she reminded of J. She was very solutions based and I couldn't take it. I told her right then and there that I didn't think that it would work out. She just physically reminded me of someone I didn't like. Maybe I felt like I could de-construct her too easy. So I will try again in two weeks with a new doc.

I came home and rather than feel sorry for myself I did the following
1. Cleaned out my car
2. Did the dishes
3. folded 2 loads of laundry
4. cooked rice
5. played on Facebook
6. looked for a new job.
7. started my amish friendship bread
8. took out trash
9. cut up pineapple
10. watched a little tv.

my back is killing me and I don't feel like doing anything. I'm thinking of taking the day off tomorrow. I just don't know what I will do and I know I will have to do something lest I feel useless.

i'm having a bad day

2010-03-15T21:06:00.002-04:00

So today I am having a bad day. I just don't know what to make of it all. I am thinking that today is a blue day. I am having difficulty doing a lot of things. I just want to cry all the time. There are several reasons for this. I'm not sure if I really want to get into all. Work is becoming more stressful. I wonder if God is testing me. I wonder why he is testing me. Maybe I just need to get on my hands and knees and repent. Maybe that would make things better. Certain sin situations whether they be pride or what not.

I wonder if the medicine is not working. I wonder what to do.

Am Annoyed by the following;

2010-03-08T21:08:00.002-05:00

1. People who don't see the past for what is; the past.
2 my mistakes
3. My dandruff
4. my inability to network
5. my fat
6. W.D. must he know everything
7. my teetering on financial instability
8. my everything

Blues have hit

2010-02-25T22:58:00.001-05:00

The blues have hit hard.
I'm really not sure what I am blue over. I'm not sure if it's over the upcoming weekend or over the money situation. I worry constantly over the stupidest things. I just need to study for my test. Maybe then all will be okay.

It's snowing out.

2010-02-24T04:10:00.002-05:00

So It's 4am and I can't sleep, but that's okay. It's snowing out like crazy. I have had a quite a few days of mental stability that are worth praising God over. It's like I have peace that makes it all okay. I have found some old friends on facebook that I am going to try to reestablish connections with again. I have also submitted applications for graduate school and all that I wait for right now is the acceptance or rejection letters. For some reason I stand highly convinced that I will get in. Looking back over my transcripts, I realize that I was just a mediocre student, Mostly B's, but they say Smith stands for something so I guess I should feel some what puffed up right? I just don't know.

Right now the finances are okay. I worry over anything happening to my car. But should anything go horribly wrong, I think I would go to the church for help rather than deplete my complete savings. I continue to look for a job that will allow me to work and have an apartment. Oh how I long for my own place or at the very least a room of my very own. With a dresser and a real bed. Not that I'm not thankful for what I have now but, these are the things that I aspire for. It's too bad that the finances are so poor that I can't make these thins a reality now. I hope in a year's time that all will be well.

Langston Hughes to the Rescue

2010-02-16T20:51:00.001-05:00

Poem
by Langston Hughes

I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
The poem ends
Soft as it began-
I loved my friend.

Crying so Hard now; You are either the Anchor or the Sail

2010-02-16T20:45:00.002-05:00

So my best friend is no more. Apparently the Elephant in the room is too much for her. She wants to keep things as they are and not reconcile. It's breaking my heart. I wonder just how much of this is her versus the Calvary Chapel way. Legalism sucks.

I don't want to write anymore. I just want to curl up into a fetal position and blow my nose.

It's early

2010-02-16T07:06:00.003-05:00

and I am up. I do not feel like making my bed nor do I feel like cleaning my room. I feel like going back to bed. I have a lot to do this morning and yet I do not feel like doing any of it. I want to lay down and sleep for another 2 hours.

I'm meeting with my Pastor this morning. Hopefully he can give me some coping mechanisms for dealing with M. I am so sad when it comes to her. She won't talk to me. I've even gone as far as to hide her postings on facebook so I don't see her anymore. This way I don't have to be reminded about that it's our friendship that I am missing.

I am also feeling overwhelmed in regards to these graduate applications. I have a lot to do today and yet I still have to work. I'm not sure how that's gonna all play out. I really can't afford to take a day off but I know there are things that need to get done.

Valentine's Day, Baah Humbug

2010-02-14T00:06:00.002-05:00

So it's been close to three year since I've been on date. Tonight this was increasingly apparent as I went out with my girlfriends to Noho. Now granted Noho is college town, but still I ask: Where are the Men? Really. Not that I was looking for the type of guy that you pick up in bar, cause well I've been there and done that. I was just looking for guys period and there was barely any my age. So I'm just increasingly bitter and jaded. It's like M said; I'm probably gonna get married when I am 50. I will just be worse for the wear.

Things moving way too fast

2010-02-12T21:56:00.002-05:00

So I spoked to N tonight. It was an interesting conversation. She made me think that I might be selling myself short and that I should try to apply to Smith. My thing is that I don't know how I would pay my bills and attend full time. They are taking applications until February 21st. Oh What to do.

I'm back

2010-02-10T23:54:00.002-05:00

Well a lot of things have changed in the last 5 months. I stopped blogging right around the time I took a second job. Wow that was interesting. It was taking car accident claims via phone. It was okay at first but I ended up working something like 68 hours a week. Way too much.

Here's some of the changes that have occurred in my life.
1. I'm not Bipolar. Doctors have told me definitively. It's a good thing,
I am still going to use Nos Moniker as I feel undefined.
2. I have joined a Christian Depression support group at my church. Wow has it made a difference.
3. My best friend and I are no longer talking. I hope one day this changes but I am highly doubtful. I am praying over it though.
4. My relationship with my mom has gotten a lot better. We are definitely seeing each other on better terms.
5. My job has stabilized. I will have been there a year this week. A lot of my first impressions were way wrong.
6. I think I've back slid-den some. I don't read my bible like I used and I cuss and gossip a lot. I think I need to repent more often about this.
7. I'm working on losing weight. I hope to lose 50 pounds by the end of the year.
Hopefully in a year or two have a boyfriend.
8. I'm working on making new friends. It's a hard process.
9. I pray over my car everyday. I hope that it keeps running. I don't know what will happen if it doesn't.
10. I am in a way better place financially. All my medical bills are paid off. I am current on my student loans and I am enrolled in a debt management plan with my credit cards. I can honestly say that my financials are under control. Praise God and knock on wood.
11. I'm starting a knitting group. I hope this catches on.
12. I'm seeing a counselor twice a month.
13. I'm hoping to have a better paying job in the next six months.
14. I'm also hoping to make the decision to confirm going back to school.
15 I love me some Grace. I thank God it is fresh each day.
16. I'm okay. For the first time in a long time.

I wonder if this is what Mania feels like.

2009-09-10T00:58:00.002-04:00

So I've been taking these caffeine pills in the morning to help my thoughts clear so. I am so not a morning person. Well, let me tell you - I am humming all day long. It's not a bad thing except for when I want to go to sleep. I can't shut down. I am hoping exercise helps that some. Like right now it's 1am and I have to be out the door by 7:45 and I know I am going to be hurting tomorrow. But um oh well.

Problem.

2009-09-06T01:51:00.001-04:00

I started the day with a phone call from my brother. He called me to see how my car was doing. I told him that I was going to Walmart to get a new battery because I thought that would solve the stalling problem. I was able to start the car and drive it over there, but as soon as I got the car near the bay of the shop and turned it of, it wouldn't turn back on.

Turns out that I didn't have a battery problem but I had an alternator problem and Walmart doesn't fix alternators. So then I called my brother who said he had a friend who could fix my alternator. I then had to have my car towed home so it could be worked on. I don't know if because I was menstrual but the tow truck driver was hot with his beard and all.

My brother came over with his friend and proceeded to change out my alternator. Did I mention is friend was cute? Course I find out through all our talking that his friend just got out of jail. Hmm, gotta love the rough neck. With parts and labor, the whole thing cost me about 150 bucks.

My problem is as follows. Everything on the car is working fine, except now my speedometer will not work. Should I call him back and say hey come fix this, or that looking a gift horse in the mouth?
Send t

I'm overtired.

2009-08-18T23:37:00.002-04:00

I got back from Volleyball over an hour go and I'm extremely overtired and yet I am still contemplating life. I'm thinking about the lack of job in Western Mass. I guess it's the same everywhere. I'm trying to remember to be thankful despite all this. I'm trying to keep my thoughts cohesive and not on a runaway train to pityville.

Some of things that I'm working on:

1. I have to get over my perfectionist tendencies when it comes to cleaning and taking care of myself. I mean come on now. I am such an all or nothing chica that it gets in my way.
2. Boys, yes I said it, boys. Not men. I've been fixated on the random boys that are part of my volleyball league. They are at least 10 years younger. I so feel like pedophile.
3. Debt. I am so sick of it. I need a second job yet at the same time I enjoy nights like tonight where I can just play really good volleyball, break a good sweat and fellowship with people.
4. I'm definitely going to be overtired tomorrow. How do I function at optimal levels at work?
5. I need to learn to let go of things. I hold on to everything.

Things I know for sure these days and other Random stuff.

2009-08-12T23:58:00.004-04:00

1. You can be right or you can be happy; The two are often mutual exclusive.
2. Your emotions will lie to you every time.
3. Do or do not, there is no try.
4. It's just another emotional blip.
5. I need to stop being the victim.
6. Jesus loves me
7. I need to start caring for myself these days.
8. I spend way too much time on facebook.
9. I feel so insecure. I'm not sure what will make that better.
10. I learned a lot through Bible study tonight. I learned that I need to mourn for a period of time and then move on. One can only be the victim for so long.
11. I need to remember that there are choices and actions that can be taken at every turn in life. And that I should not allow hindsight to be such a crippling factor in the choices that I make.

It's Late.

2009-08-12T23:51:00.002-04:00

It's late and I can't sleep.

I'm really not in a bad mood, per se or even in a depressed mood. Right now I'm thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. I was thinking of going back to school for something like computer science. This would accomplish two things: It would allow me to defer my student loans, and it would allow me earn more money doing something that would allow me to get out debt quicker.

Then there's this part of me that that is the idealist that wants everything to be seen with rose colored glasses. That wants to beat the law of averages. But I know it's going to take a lot of hard work for everything to come out okay.

Take for example me applying for a position of FNS. This play is totally ghetto fabulous. I walk up to the entrance of the place and people are chain smoking Malboro lights like they are going out of style. All the people their look worn down by life and not too well put together. Those that were applying for a job came in Shorts and sneakers! What, pray tell, is that out all about? People just don't act right sometimes.

concerts I've been to

2009-08-08T20:20:00.002-04:00

1. Spyro Gyro ( I was like 5)
2. SOS band
3. Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch
4. Take 6
5. Aerosmith
6. New Kids on the Block
7. Lynnard Skinnard
8. Jill Scott
9. India Arie
10. Wycleff
11. Wu Tang Clang
12. Violent Femmes
13. BB King

Saw Jules and Julia this weekend

2009-08-08T20:05:00.002-04:00

Makes me want to start blogging again. Also makes me wonder if anyone reads what I write? Am I just the random girl? Well let's have a go at it, Shall we?

1. I like lists, they are for the most part nice and neat and they have a definite beginning and end.

2. Sour cream and onion potato chips are addicting but leave a really bad after taste on your tongue.

3. The worst thing is trying to cook in a really small kitchen.

4. I hate waiting to hear back regarding my dream job. If I don't get it, what kind of shape will I be in?

5. Rozerem = dream land

6. What if my doctor doesn't want to help me out by giving me samples? I know she doesn't believe in them but heck I really need them.

7. I really wouldn't mind having my own apartment.

8. I really do enjoy cooking.

9. Sneezing makes my whole body ache in this bed.

10. I wish I could finish a book these days. I started the Twilight Series and I can't finish it.

11. Anytime I lay down to rest, almost immediately I have to get up to go to the bathroom.

12. I will have to go to store tomorrow to get my Grandmother her cookies, her paper and watch a movie with her.

13. Gonna go see Funny People tomorrow. I hope it turns out to be good.

I got the Second Job

2009-07-13T23:22:00.003-04:00

yeah, I got the second job as Telephone interviewer. From what I could see it looked like a lot of college kids from UMASS, but hey it's a start. It's the only place that would hire me. I am so excited. I also found some long lost friends on facebook. Things are looking up somewhat. Now to get the dream job. I so hope I get it. Those who read, this, please keep me in your prayers.

Just let it be God's will. Now to try to sleep. I am so hyped up.

P.s. Is wondering if there is a correlation between finding J.K and M.R. and reading my bible tonight. Things happen for a reason right?

Cause I can't sleep.

2009-07-08T23:24:00.002-04:00

It's late and I'm on a High of Sorts.

I've gotten interview for a dream position which I can't give out all the details to, but needless to say I want it bad.

The problem is that it is only part time. So I would seriously not be eligible for benefits.

Please pray for me.

why?

2009-07-06T00:59:00.001-04:00

Why can't I sleep? I really hate not being able to sleep. It is going to be a bitch tomorrow morning. Me trying to get out of my own way.

Creativity

2009-07-06T00:55:00.003-04:00

I am in a creative mood. I feel the need to create something. I think it was the writing of the cover letter. Got the juices going again.

Maybe I should talk about me.
150mg effexor + 5 mg abilify = sane?

I guess so.

I have heartburn from eating the ice cream late out tonight.

Oh the conundrum of what to be when I grow up. I need a job making at least 40 to afford my own place. I also need to feel like I am making a difference in the world.

I am wondering if writing induces mania? Maybe I should write more often?????

Random Lady be me.

2009-07-06T00:40:00.003-04:00

It's cold as hell in my room right now, but I refuse to turn off the air conditioner.

My ex is getting fat. Things that make me happy.

I applied for that position at Smith. I want it bad. But I don't know if I'm qualified enough. We shall see. Maybe I will at least get a rejection letter that I can frame.

I did absolutely nothing this weekend. And Love every minute of it.

I seriously think I'm a binge eater. I've eaten a pint of ice cream, a pack of oreo cookies and a box of Little Debbie's. Yeah that whole diet thing went right out the window.

Why am I so excited to see the new guy at work tomorrow? I am so lame.

Where the fuck is my mother. She would so give me hell if she tried calling me and I didn't return any calls.

I need new friends.

I need a new job.

I need to be skinny.

I want a man whore.

It's almost Midnight and

2009-06-11T23:53:00.002-04:00

I can't sleep as usual. Dr has given me Rozerem. What a joke!

Anyhoot. I went to the gym today. It felt great. I wanted to go earlier except that I had to wait for the Gas and Electric man to show up. He eventually got here at 11:00pm. Mom was rather pissed.

On an aside note, Grandmother is doing okay from double mastectomy. They already put her in a Rehab facility. Mom is quite wound up about it.

Me I think God is control. I pray to him and let the chips fall where they may.

My Imix work out music

2009-06-08T21:36:00.001-04:00

for when you just need some angry music to help you get through 60 minute of cardio:

Cleaning out My Closet - Eminem
Get Low - Little John and East Side Boyz
Gold Digger - Kanye West
Hard Knock Life - Jay Z
I am God -Toby Mac and Kirk Franklin
It Takes Two - Rob Base
I Can Change -John Legend
Just Lose it - Eminem
Killing Me Softly -Fugees
Lean Back - Terror Squad
Let me Clear my Throat - DJ Kool
Make it Clap - Busta Rhymes
Oops - Tweet
Pon de Play - Rihanna
Ruffneck - McLyte
Can I get a .. Jay Z
8 Mile - Eminem
Senorita - Justin Timberlake
Single Ladies - Beyonce
Stan - Eminem and Dido
Sweet Dreams - The Eurythmics
Where my Girls at -702
California Love - Tupac
Give it to Me - Timbaland
Funky Cold Medina - Tone Loc

Bingo Musings

2009-06-02T23:20:00.002-04:00

Okay being the good granddaughter that I am, I took my Grandmother out to Bingo tonight. She's been sick and hasn't been in a really long time. Let me tell you I am feeling all washed up. Here are some random bingo musings.

1. If you think you have Bingo - you better be sure. Because if you call it and you don't have it, the penalty is death by dobb marker.

2. 0 66 is a magical number. My grandmother toots a little horn she brings in with her anytime its called.

3. Bingo is expensive. 60 bucks for both of us to play and neither one of us won anything.

4. For me, trying to play 9 cards is trying to play 6 cards too many. Some how my Grandmother manages to play 12 and then still point out numbers I missed. After working 8 hours and then trying to play this silly game, it's all I can do mark the free space.

5. There's not just one type of bingo: there's a layer cake, a cross, a T, a kite, leo's hat -just to name of few -and you better know how these work or else.

6. Speaking of free space, people methodically check this space off, like they are gaining something by doing so. It's free -does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

7. I played 30 games of bingo tonight lasting 3 hours. My eyeballs are dried out.

8. Bingo does not start until 6:30. My grandmother had me come get her for 4:30 so she could get a space. (People hold spaces you know). She was a little upset that someone was sitting in her space. Mind you she hasn't been to bingo in about 8 months but she let the women sitting in her space know that she used to sit there.

9. Bingo is place to talk about whose died, whose dying and whose broken body parts.

10. Bingo balls are drawn randomly via a bingo air machine. But let me tell you - if two consecutive number are drawn under the same letter, it starts the crowd rumbling conspiracy theory.

11. My grandmother can cut through a Bingo crowd in her electric wheelchair like a Zambonie in the second quarter Stanley cup action.

12. Bingo is not limited by age, sex or gender. There were people there from all walks of life.

13. Besides the regular games, they have these bonus games called "Bingo nuts". I figure between those and the regular games we probably spent a good 80 dollars; she more so than me.

The fan

2009-05-31T00:30:00.002-04:00

is driving me fucking crazy. It sounds like something is caught in it.
I want to knock on it to see I can shake loose what ever is causing it to vibrate.

why is it when

2009-05-31T00:28:00.003-04:00

I decide that I'm going to try something new to better myself that enemy comes so strong and attacks all things about my sense of self?

Example- I decide I'm going to go on a diet and for some reason that day will be one of the most stressfull days ever.

I guess what's on my mind is the most these days is when things go bad at work. It is nowhere near the way it use to be at my old job. But the following things get my goat:

1. Trying to give advice to people when I don't understand what I am saying myself. I hate it when I have to put a caller on hold and ask questions. I feel like a dumb mouthpiece who doesn't have a brain in her head.

2. Doing cancellations. There are so many steps and it bores the living crap out me.
3. People who can't fill out forms or fill them out wrong. Then they sit in my queue and eat up space.
4. More than 15 tickets in my box.
5. New device request and having to put inventory in.
6. CAR forms
7. Trying to figure out who is elgible in any other department beside SG. They have these rules that appear to be completely random.
8. People who don't pick up the phone. Specifically Janet. She doesn't pick it up half as much as other do.
9. The lack of thought or possibly lack of respect that my boss gives our positions.
10. The back stabbing, backbiting spirit that is among all them.
11. the swearing.

7.

Home alone

2009-05-31T00:23:00.002-04:00

Home alone in this apartment.

It's not anything new. I should be used to it by now. But for some reason there's a foreboding about it.

My mind can't wrap itself around things these days. I get stuck trying to figure things out. I can't contemplate anything.

I felt like there was this one day when things changed and if only I could go back to that day things would be different.

Do I have to fight my way out of this or do I have to figure out a new way of being. I feel like I have lost the ability to be honest with myself.

Losing it

2009-05-30T23:51:00.002-04:00

I think I've lost it.

A part me that used to love to read. Now when I try to read, I get one paragraph into something and I start to hyperventilate. I can't wait to get to the end of the paragraph. I lose focus and have to read the paragraph over again. I'm not sure if it's just the advent of facebook and the internet that has created a soundbite mentality within me.

I think part of me gets caught up with what it's like to feel numb. To be numb. I need to stop this if I want to have a productive life.

I go up and down on an emotional roller coaster. It needs to stop.

It's been a while

2009-05-30T23:45:00.002-04:00

So i haven't written in a while. The main reason being that I haven't wanted to and the other main reason being is that I've been pretty down lately. The new medicine didn't work out so they put me back on the old stuff. I think I am doing relatively better.

But as usual, it's 11:00pm and it's Saturday night and I'm not happy. I've been thinking alot about why I'm not happy and I've come to some conclusions. The first of which has to do with my definition of happiness. I think I have it under a pretty definitive way of looking about it. I also think I tend to hold people at arms distance and they don't know what to make of me. It really sucks that I'm like that but I know I will have to work harder in the future if I wan to change.

I really seriously need to work on this weight thing. It's keeping me from a lot of great things in life and I just need to start eating more sensibly and exercising. It's the only way things are going to get better healthwise for me.

20 reason why I'm sick of the fucking world

2009-04-29T21:26:00.005-04:00

Why do you ask? Oh there's plenty of reasons.

1. I've change from Effexor to Pristiq. Major fucking brain zaps. I feel tripped up all day long. I cry at the drop of the hat. It totally sucks and the symptoms will probably going to go on for another week or two.

2. I've started seeing a new counselor and I think we will get along okay. I just hate starting over. I've got to break her in and explain my whole trauma history. She's thinking that I'm not Bipolar, and that maybe I just have severe ptsd. So now can I be ptsd nos? Who the fuck knows.

3. I am bored out of my fucking tree with life. My job is so fricking boring even a monkey can do it. Mind you, I didn't say it wasn't stressful, it's just not challenging.

4. My boss is a good old boy and I bought the whole story hook line and sinker that I would be developed. He isn't even there to address our problems, how the hell is he going to develop us?

5. I so need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I was thinking of going back for my MSW and becoming a counselor. But then I think of my off days and wonder - how the hell would I try and counsel anyone else?

6. I'm having major difficulty being content with where I am at. I hate living with my mom and really want to be out on my own. It's not that she's not hospitable, it just that I miss my own independence.

7. I'm mad/confused/angry/in wonderment of God right now. Hey big guy, WTF are you doing? I don't get these trials and tribulations in my life right now. Lucy you gots som' 'splainging to do.

8. Why can't I read books anymore? Is it muscle that just has gone un-flexed and therefore weak? Because I totally feel like I have adhd when I try to read anything that is over a paragraph.

9. I keep trying to put structure in my life and it gets torn away. Is God saying that he wants to be in control of it all? Because the Calvary chapel way has fucked me up a bit. I mean is there such thing as excessive prayer? Should I pray about brushing my teeth, or should I just jump on out there and do it?

10. My mother -gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. She is slowly trying to get me on a health kick. She is getting on me about the foods I am eating. I say leave me the fuck alone. If I feel like anyone but me is trying to control what and how I eat, there will be a full on revolt.

11. Just what the fuck am I supposed to be when I grow up?

12. I am such debt right now that I can't see the forest for the trees.

13. My car has started making this tick tick ticking nose. Good God if the air conditioning goes just kill me now with the summer coming.

14. My eczema is acting up. I look like one big old scaly red creature.

15. My goddaughter's behavior pisses me off. Her mother says she's highly sarcastic, I say it's unfortunate she has her father's gene's and sense of comedic timing.

16. What the fuck is the yellow sludge that is covering the world these days or in other words what's up with the pollen. I am sick of this shit. It's covering everything and making every orifice and limb of my body itchy.

17. SS drives me crazy. She calls herself a Christian but she talks about everyone behind their back. She also says what's one her mind and doesn't hold back. If I were to the same thing I would be considered a bitch or having a bad day. I hate double standards.

18. I hate the AAA HR lady. She told me I had a job and then she renegged. What an absolute bitch! You don't do that to people. I don't care if you don't have the power to offer a job. You don't say you are going to do something and then take it away. No takesie-backsies. You got my hopes up and now they are shattered.

19. I don't want to be fat anymore and yet I do not want to dedicate myself to exercise and eating right.

20 I hate my insurance, they have completly screwed me out my group therapy sessions. Now I have to try and negotiate with my BHN provider to see if they will allow me to pay out of network. This absolutely stinks.

Change of Meds

2009-04-26T21:15:00.003-04:00

So the p-nurse changed my meds from Effexor to Pristiq. Right now I feel like I am walking around in a complete fog.

Here are the things in my head.
1.I need to read my bible more.
2. Am I true heathen for watching the Family guy?
3. Why am I so deadset on getting this job with Triple A? I feel like if I don't get it that is going to be the end of the world.
4. I'm sick and tired of being fat, but have no desire to exercise.
5. Sleeping pills have stopped working.
6. I miss my best friend but I fear that we will never be on the same page.
7. It is too fricken hot in this apartment.
8. what is up with my brother and why won't he contact me back?
9. I'm going to try and write an essay this week. I'm not sure of the topic, but I need to be coherent and cohesive and I think it's the perfect way to do so.
10. I'm sad again and I hate being so.
11.I need to rearrange my room and I don't want to, but know that I need to if I ever have a hope of getting fresh air in this place.

Midnight and all is...well?

2009-04-19T23:58:00.001-04:00

so it's midnight and I can't sleep. I just yucked some pot roast.

Cause I wanna die

2009-04-16T22:14:00.003-04:00

Not literally, figuratively I guess.

So here's the story.

I have fairly regular bowel movements. However, I had unusual stomach distress today at work. Trying to be discreet about it, I went to the bathroom to "drop the kids off at the pool".

Well I did two flushes back to back and the poor septic system couldn't take it. I ended up overflowing the toilet.

Oh the sheer horror.

I was all dressed up in high heels and skirt and there I was trying to fight my way through a watery mess with a plunger and a pack of napkins.

To make matters worse, I work in an office of less than 20 people. Our bathrooms are located in the center of the building. So when the bathroom flooded, it started coming down the aisle way into the hall way near the work cubicles by literally inches.

We have no cleaning staff on days so I go to the secretary who is every so bitchy and ask where there's a mop. She grumbles and snorts that it has to be done correctly and goes into the President's office and tell him that "We need to get the wet vac out".

The president of my company proceeds to come out of his office and start vacuuming up my "murky" toilet water amongst the twitters and stares of all my lovely co-workers.

Someone tries to console me by saying that this has happened before, but not in a long time.

I am so utterly horrified that I don't know if I want to put my head on my desk and cry or go home and get under the covers.

All I know is that I am so embarrased that I never want to go back....

Depression is hitting hard

2009-04-12T22:35:00.002-04:00

So I hate holidays. I really really hate holidays. Their frivolity makes we wonder if we are truly being honest with who we are in family structures. Like today I went out to eat with my Mom and my grandmother and I was absolutely miserable the whole entire time. The depression is pretty bad. I just want to crawl into a hole. I can't stand it anymore.

I know why this is. I am such debt. It's pretty bad. I'm trying so hard for a second job but noone is hiring. I have a Smith College education and I can't get hired at JC Penney. Not being able to pay my bills makes me feel like a mensch. Saturday I slept all day long. So did not want to get out of bed. And then mom came home and I had to pretend to be happy. It was really hard. Everything I touch feel like its going wrong.

I really wish me and my best friend were talking. She would tell me to lean on Jesus. Honestly, I would want her tell her to stick that where the son don't shine. My church mentor called and I didn't answer the phone. I didn't feel like I could feign happiness for her. I just couldn't do it. So I didn't talk at all. I wonder if my mom called her to tell her to talk to me. I trust no one these days.

I'm going to a job to morrow that is boring as hell and getting paid little more than mininum wage. But yet, I must be thankful right? Fuck you! Fuck you and the horse you road in on. Fuckity Fuck Fuck, Fucker.

I am so mad at myself for getting myself in this situation of a guy. Cause I wanted someone so bad to love. Cause I couldn't love myself. God sure if showing me a lesson these days.

Can't sleep again

2009-04-06T00:04:00.002-04:00

So my latest attempt to deliver papers has gone horribly bad. Here are the reasons why.

1. Ron my boss is a jerk. He gave very little supervision and expected me to know where everything was.
2. The wind blew the papers everywhere.
3. I have a dodge neon which means there's very little room for papers in the first place.
4. Assembling the papers is an absolute nightmare. First you have to put together the leisure and classifieds and then you have to put together the main section. It totally sucked.
5. People do not number their houses so how the heck are supposed to know where things are.
6. I picked a route that was way far away. I really make absolutely no money when one considers gas.
7. My mom came with me and while she was helpful she was blind as a bat and couldn't see route numbers. She had also stayed out the night before and had only 2 hours sleep and was therefore a little cranky.
8. It's in a bad neighborhood.
9. My hands get tore up by the ink and the paper. My eczema is extremely aggravated.
10. The truck that delivers the main section does get their until 3:30 almost 4pm; meaning that the papers have to be assembled and delivered by 7am.
11. The weather. Can you imagine what it like when it's raining?

So taking all these points into consideration, I decided to quit. Ron wasn't happy but I couldn't do anymore.

Getting to know my brother

2009-04-02T23:50:00.001-04:00

So my brother and I are having this new found dialogue back and forth. I'm not sure if I can read him right. He says he's nervous about talking to me, yet does very well in email communications.

I just don't know.

2009-04-01T22:59:00.001-04:00

Gratitude Blog

2009-04-01T22:20:00.002-04:00

Things I am greatful for:

1. The roof over my head.
2. My job.
3. The ability to pay my prescriptions.
4. My Car
5. Jesus Christ my lord and savior.
6. Friends and Family
7. My health
8. Heathcare through work.
9. three meals a day.
10. Counseling

Because I can't sleep

2009-04-01T21:48:00.002-04:00

So I am sweating financially big time right now. I just don't know what I am going to do. I really need to pick up a second job waitressing but NOONE is hiring.

So I thought I would do the paperoute thing instead. There are so many drawback to this. The whole safety, collecting from people and getting up at weird hours thing.

In the midst of this all I am working on trying to surrender it all to god. I've got to give it up to him on a daily basis. Maybe even hourly.

Don't get me wrong, I am probably in a better place emotionally than I have been in a long time, but things feel catastrophic.

It doesn't help that my mom is around all the time lately. I really feel like I just need some alone time to make all the things work out.

I just don't know.

cause I'm depressed

2009-03-31T21:42:00.003-04:00

I really think I'm unipolar. I don't do this manic thing that is supposed to be part of my diagnosis. I don't have any illusion of grandiosity here.

Why am I depressed? Shall we enumerate?

1. Once again I hate my job. It's not hard. I just don't ever feel like I know what I am doing. I don't feel confidently competent. I wish I did.
2. I am such debt right now that I should be spending money on anything. And yet... I manage to find funds for fast food. I hate cooking.
3. I am on the outs with my best friend. She's so born again that I can't play in her sandbox anymore. I'm not on her level. It's really sad.
4. I'm fat and I'm sick of being fat. I really need to go to the gym.\
5. I live with my mother. Oh God help me please.
6. I'm obsessing about contacting my brother. Why doesn't he contact me back?

Paper anyone?

2009-03-29T17:51:00.002-04:00

In my effort to get out of debt, I've decided that no job is to small and decided to deliver papers. I thought in and out no problem? Right? Wrong there bucko Error 1#.

It starts with a call on Friday night. I don't pick up initially because I'm screening my calls. I see a local number and am intrigued and decide to call back. It's then that I speak to Ron.

Ron is the man who is in charge of the paper route that I had called on about a week ago asking if there was any availability. He's just getting back to me now and tells me that there's a route available if I want it. I say sure not really knowing what I am getting myself into. (Hindsight is always a bitch). Anyhoot he's says great, I'll see you at 4am tomorrow morning.

Wow that quick eh? So it's 6pm Friday night and I realize I have no idea where the place is that I'm supposed to meet him in 10 hours. So I have the brilliant idea of taking a sleeping pill before I get in the car to go look for the place. I want to make sure I'm able to get some sleep to be fresh for this adventure. I thought that it would only take an 1/2 hour to find. (Error #2 in judgement). It ended up taking 2 hours to find when It was supposedly only 6 miles away according to Mapquest.

So I wake up at 3am to make sure I get there on time and manage to get their with 5 minutes to spare. It's dark and there a big white truck dropping off bundles. People are looming around outside when Ron Shows up.

He pretty much gives me a map and tells me this is where I'm supposed to go. He hands me 131 papers and has me start to assemble them. By the time I finish it's 6am.

I have an hour to deliver 131 papers. Yeah right, It so didn't happen. I ended up calling about 8:30 advising that I wasn't going to make it through all of the papers. He eventually stopped what he was doing and helped me deliver the rest of my papers.

Turns out that Ron started 3 people that day as part of the route. One person copped out of the Run, a second person just left with the papers.

Oh the horror.

Holy Shit Batman.

2009-03-23T22:18:00.002-04:00

Okay I don't swear that often, but when I do, it's because it's big. Really Big. So tonight I was minding my business watching Dancing with the Stars when I realized that I hadn't checked my Myspace page in a long time. So I hop on because I'm expecting an email back from a friend.

That's when I see this email in my account that is from this random boy. His Name is Jay-V. And that's when I know even before I open the email; this is my brother.

You see I've only met him once when I was 10. He's my father's son (different mothers) and now he's reached out to me. Why do I feel like I'm in really shitty novela? Maybe I should make my eyes dart back in forth in my head as my life goes to a commercial break. It's all so cheesy and way to dramatic.

All he asked me in the email was if I knew Delores Ventura. I responded back yes, he's my father. I then asked if he was my brother. Right now I am waiting for a response.

I guess I should look at this way: He did take the time to search for me and my real name is fairly common. So he does maybe want to have contact? Hopefully he won't have too many deep dark secrets to tell me. Cause I really can't stand much more drama in my life.

today is hard day.

2009-03-17T22:11:00.002-04:00

Today is hard day for several reasons. Shall we enumerate?

1. Would be anniversary of J and I. Why am I still thinking of these things?
2. Working a second job doing telemarketing and it suuuuuuckkkksss. I am wide awake right now and I can't stand it.
3. Saw the shadow my double chin. Ever so attractive.
4. Migraine headache.
5. Stella!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. I have a pimple the size of mount Rushmore on my chin right now.
7. I feel like I'm friendless and unloveable.
8. I live with my mother. Good god what was I thinking?
9. I miss my Church family
10. It's 10:15 I have to be out the door by 7am. So much for 8 hours sleep.
11. I really really don't like the telemarketing position.

Let's see, here's my life these days

2009-03-13T23:48:00.001-04:00

Monday:
Go to work, come home

Tuesday:
go to work, 2 for 2 Tuesday KFC lunch,go to volleyball at night

Wednesday:
go to work early; go to group;go to bible study,if I make it home on and not too tired, I watch Life on Mars

Thursday:
go to work, counseling every other week;Gray's Anatomy at 9:00

Friday:
go to work. Buy Lunch out, Go to Volleyball

Saturday:
Go to work until noon;Come home take a nap, Play on the computer, Watch a movie; go to bed

Sunday:
Go to church, clean out the fridge, get ready for the work week.

I do occasionally throw a work out or meeting with a friend but not often. Is this normal? Is this why I feel so unfulfilled?

3 things

2009-03-13T23:35:00.005-04:00

3 Things

Three Names I go by
1. Jellybean
2. Grace
3. Fautina

Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. Fish and Chip Girl
2. ML Corporate mind whore
3. Parking Ticket monitor

Three Places I have lived
1. Boston, MA
2. Holyoke, Ma
3. JACKSONVILLE, FL

Three TV Shows that I watch
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Life on Mars
3. Desperate Housewives

Three places I have been
1. Puerto Rico
2. Canada
3. Rome

Three of my favorite foods
1. chocolate chip cookies
2. Pernil
3. Arroz con habichuelas

Things I am looking forward to
1. Paying off my student loans
2. Getting my own apartment
3. Become a counselor

Three things you do every morning
1. brush my teeth
2. Read my bible (when I remember and have time)
3. Go to work at Yoville

Three things you do every night
1. Check facebook
2. Brush my teeth
3. Count my blessings

My friends Response to my open letter.

2009-03-13T23:13:00.001-04:00

I had to wait a few days to answer this because I was really mad.

Grace, why the drama? We are not friends. WE ARE FAMILY! I LOVE YOU!

Yes, I was afraid to have you around the kids because of your mental state. As a psych major you knew deep down that having someone, who is coming off long term psych meds and who is battling depression.

I see that you are getting better and that you have a job. This is wonderful. Are you 100%? I doubt it but you are better than you were in Florida and you will continue to grow and improve. I am praying for you.

The issue of me being on "vacation". Grace, I have been out on injury which I thought we already talked about when we were on the phone. You were asking to come up and I was about to return to work after being out on sick leave for two weeks for spraining my previously broken foot at work. I told you that you couldn't come up because I would be working and that my next weekend off was the weekend that I would be moving. You pressured me to allow you to come up but you just can't. I have boxes packed to go everywhere and no place for you to sleep. It just isn't a good time. I am stressed and that would be bad for your visit. I went to work after speaking with you on the phone and sprained my other foot that day. I posted on facebook that I hurt my foot again. I never kept it as a secret to anyone. I have been telling people that I have been out on vacation because most people here on Facebook are AQUAINTENCES from church and I dont feel like getting into my medical details.
I am moving in with my friend Pam on March 13th. This means that you will not be able to stay with me since there is 12 people already living in that house but it doesn't mean that you can't come up. It means that we have to get a hotel room in Rockland by my church or at the Quincy Marriot and have a girl getaway. I can have my boys stay with someone else and me, you, Michaela will chill at the hotel. This requires money so it means that it will be happening in a few months once you and I can save some $. We will have to schedule it for one of my weekends off but so what. i have a weekend off every 6 weeks. It will happen.
As for your faith... I dont snub people who are not at the same place in their walk as I am. I know who I am and I suck. I am not a good Christain or a godly woman. I screw stuff up all the time. Do I agree with you being on psych drugs? Nope and we have already discussed this and I dont feel a need to go there. We need to agree to disagree. Everyone proceeds in their Christian walk as God wants them to. I am defintely leaning towards Calvinism these days. I just believel that God is all knowing and all powerful and will make His perfect will happen regardless of what is happening in out lives or in the world. That gives me a great sense of peace, knowing that God RULES and is sovereign. I hope it also gives you a peace knowing that you can surrender and hand all your cares upon Him. He LOVES YOU MORE THAN I DO! MORE THAN ANYONE DOES. He created YOU!!!
When you get time, read The Sovereignty of God by Arthur Pink. It is a tough read, the vocabulary required my constant referral to a dictionary. Very awesome with a lot of scripture to back up his beliefs.

In conclusion...

I love you, we are family, I feel that we are simply growing in our walks and walking a different path right now but that doesn't mean that we can't be in each others lives. We need to love 'us' where we are at, girl. Please stop worrying so much. I feel that you thought too much about this. How's the new job going? :)

My Job

2009-03-13T22:55:00.003-04:00

has gotten a lot better these days. I've really never been so happy professionally. I just wished it paid more. It's very hard when you make 11k less a year. I am entering a debt consolidation program hoping that things will get better financially. I just don't know.

The good news is that my new psych doctor doesn't think that I am bipolar, just maybe unipolar. Is that anything like the Unibomber? The jury is still out however.

What's Your Visa worth?

2009-02-23T20:50:00.002-05:00

1. 1 Box of Tampax tampax: 5.99
2. 1 can of FDS spray: 3.79
3. 1 bottle of Pamprin: 4.99
4. 1 bottle of water: 1.29
5. 2 double chocolate chip muffins: 2.20

Telling the teenage check-out boy scanning your purchases that you are a walking Menstruation Kit: PRICELESS!

First Week of Work

2009-02-19T22:25:00.002-05:00

So I am winding down through my first week of work and I am so stressed!
The women I work with are definitely pieces of work. The first word of of my team leader's mouth when I came to meet her was that I could "Put my shit" over there. Now really is that kind of language necessary? It's not so much that she swore as it was that she had no sense of boundaries. She didn't try to place nice nice for the first week or so. She just broke me in with her common everyday vernacular. Not only that, but she minces no words in letting you know what she thinks of others. As soon as someone turns around to leave her cube she commences the bad mouthing. This unnerves me because I wonder how long it will be before she starts talking about me. I guess the thing that I have to remember is that some people will never be happy.

My Therapist made the point that I need to figure out how to declare my boundaries around people. I need to figure out what's going to work for me in terms of declaring what's acceptable. Specifically she used the phrase that I was "sensitive to what my boundaries are". So then the next question in my mind is how does one not become sensitive to others and what they think.

Another issue that I am having is with paying attention to detail. How does one do this? My wanders so easy and it very hard to bring it back to things.

Volleyball and Barlow Girl.

2009-02-10T21:41:00.002-05:00

So I just got back from Volleyball at church tonight and I am feeling pretty good. I also sat at the second job for the first time. I think I will be able to do it, but I think it will be somewhat taxing. I am so not a telemarketer. Today is a day of chasing away negative thoughts. I'm having difficulty staying positive. Like I couldn't file my taxes because turbo taxes didn't store my previous year's return. So now I have to go make nice nice with the IRS to try and get my pin and adjust gross income. Also I am feeling trapped here at Mom's house. I feel like I can't go on with all the crap. I feel like I have a long way to being on my own again and having my own apartment. That is something I really need to work toward.

an open letter to a friend....

2009-02-06T01:16:00.001-05:00

I saw on Facebook today that you are on vacation and now I’m writing to you to ask some questions. Are you avoiding me? Are you afraid for me to be around your children? Do you think I’m unstable? Have we just outgrown each other? I feel this way because I always feel like you are trying to get off the phone with me or limit our interactions. Call me crazy, but I just want to be around you and my goddaughter. You are my best friend. I have so much fun playing games with the kids or being able to cook them a meal that they will actually eat!
We haven’t just hung just BECAUSE in a long time. It’s really hard right for me going from having a solid church family to having not very much at my current church. (I like to think my church family is currently a work in progress). Being around people who are walking the walk so inspires me in my own walk. I feel sane and loved when I’m around your family. I hope you don’t feel you have to fix me when I’m around you. I’m sorry if I put you in that position. It’s just that I’m going to being working two jobs and the ability to come see you and spend time with the kids is going to be few and far between in next year or so . It has really hurt me to see that you are on vacation and you don’t want me up there.
AG we are alike, but not the same. My journey in healing is not going to be same as yours. Just because I don’t read Healed and Set Free doesn’t mean that I’m not healing now. I’ve made leaps and bounds with my mom. I am reading my bible daily. I’m working my debt snowball. I’m going to counseling every other week. Is this because I’m on medication? Do you feel like I’ve disregarded Jesus with regards to meds?
I say this last statement because lately when I talk to you I feel like I don’t have enough faith in God so you don’t want to talk to me because I’m just not at the same level with you. If so can I please have an extra helping of patience? I know I’m throwing a lot out there but I feel like there’s some wall you’ve put up between me and you and I just don’t understand why you are pushing me away. Like you said to me once, why can’t you just love me where I’m at. It didn’t make sense at the time, but it does now. This all just makes me really sad that things have changed.
If you are going through something and not telling me, I can handle that, but if it’s me and you feel our relationship has changed, than please let me know so I can cope accordingly.

P.s. Please do not take the tone of this letter as me being angry; I’m more hurt and questioning than anything else. I know you will read this and probably distance yourself even more, but you’re my best friend I should be able to say anything to you. So I have and after you digest it all, I’ll still be standing prepared for whatever is you have to tell me. I Love you Chica!

racing thoughts

2009-02-03T23:56:00.000-05:00

My thoughts race tonight. It is not a comfortable thing. I wonder am I being blind to reality by not thinking about these things which get me down. I just don't know.

OTHER FUNNY STUFF

2009-02-03T01:46:00.000-05:00

godlessness

2009-02-03T00:04:00.002-05:00

So I'm trying to type quietly as my mom is trying to sleep in the other room. I really hope I am not keeping her up. But this is the next topic that is on my mind. Religion. My faith is growing stronger day by day. For the last three days I've been pretty faithful about reading my bible on a daily basis. I do feel somewhat better. However, I'm concerned with my general level of faith. Mass is such a liberal state that I wondered if my walk is going to lessen. So many things are lax out here politically. Believe it or not this is pretty ironic for me to say this but I agree with about 50% of mass left leaning tendencies. However I think I enjoyed living in a state (FL) where my views were in the minority. It made feel like more of a Smithie rebel.

Speaking of Smith,Claire from heroes was thinking of going there,(Little things like that always make me feel smart. At the same time, when I think of this, I think of the fact that I haven't really done anything great since then. It has been all about survival. There are a lot of "ways" that I need to let go of. Maybe this is where my faith comes into play. Maybe god will show me how to do this.

I really hope I'm not keeping my mother up.

Houston, We have a problem

2009-02-02T23:52:00.002-05:00

So now I have a job and yet I'm still pretty much depressed. I don't see a way out of my debt situation. I am realizing that I bring a really negative attitude into a lot of situations and recreate misery and circumstances where ever I go.

This makes me wonder if I am truly bipolar. I'm not a grandiose kind of person. I don't spend crazily, and I certainly don't think that everyone is out to get me. I'm not trying out for the next American Idol. I don't knock on people's doors trying to be the next latest and greatest salesperson of lint. I do however take the long naps in the middle of the day for 4-5 hours at a time. I crave chocolate and soda. Who knows maybe I'm unipolar. Or maybe I've got borderline personality disorder.

Who knows.

things that make me laugh

2009-02-02T23:03:00.007-05:00

you can't help but notice the plums he's smuggling.

How much is your peace worth?

2009-02-01T22:39:00.003-05:00

So I got the job that I was initially praying for with Tyco. I really don't know much about the position. The job posting was pretty vague. However, it was perhaps the easiest interview that I've ever been on. It had me nervous because I thought they were looking for someone more qualified. Because I know diddly about troubleshooting blackberries. Obviously they saw something. Maybe it's the something that I feel like I've lost after 8 years in the financial service industry.

Anyhoot, I did interview with Metlife (another position I had wanted). I'm not sure if I got the position but they seemed somewhat impressed.So I've been thinking about what life would be like if I did get offered the job and I had to choose between two (i.e. between Tyco and Metlife). Here's my pros and cons list:

1. I stand a chance of reclaiming my soul if I work for Tyco; meaning I would be less of a corporate mind whore. 9 years in the financial services arena has so burnt me out. I'm not sure I could stomach much more.

2. I would be on a loop line. Good God just strangle me now with my own headset.
Average call volume is between 60-80 calls a day.Ooh and I would get call monitored. Ugghhh. Yeah I got your survey right here baby.

3. The Metlife position would be a position in annuity servicing; maybe not a good place to be with all the stock/mutual fund fluctuation these days.

4. Metlife is huge. it's got it's own waterfall in the entrance. Oh musn't forget the cattle heard security entrance gate. I would have to do the whole badge thing again.

5. Tyco is in springfield and only 15 minutes away from home.

6. I would be learning skills in a new arena of development. They also have offices all around the world so there's a good chance that I can go for positions around the country. They even have an office in Jax. (things that make you go hmm.

7. Working the Tyco job would allow me to take a second job easily because the hours are a lot more flexible.

8. There's a 40 minute commute between where I live and where Metlife is in Bloomfield and some of the route is largely commercially developed meaning stop and go traffic. I could see me stabbing myself in the eye with a dull fork if there was an accident and things got any slower.

9. At Metlife, My boss would have a facial twitch. It would be so hard not to laugh.

10. Tyco means a totally different knowledge base and a different skill set. Call me paranoid, but I just want to do well.

11. Here's the biggest obstacle: Metlife pays 8k more. I would have to get my Series 6, but whateva. So I ask myself, how much is my peace worth? Can you put a price tag on it? I don't know. I just don't know.

12. I just realized though;I really haven't prayed over this. I'll let you know what the Big Man comes back with.

I got a Job.

2009-01-30T20:39:00.002-05:00

woo double hoo. Am so excited. I found out today. It's a 11k a year paycut. Girlfriend can we say economize? But I will be okay. I hope. I also interviewed for a position that is majorily like my last position and only 3k less than my old position. Unfortunately it is also 40 minutes away from me in CT.

Regarding the interview, I couldn't read the interviewer that well. He was very serious and had a facial twitch. On an aside note I was totally sweating him. Maybe it was that total lack of human interaction. Or the big nose. Who knows?

random me facts

2009-01-27T02:30:00.001-05:00

1. I love chocolate chip cookies. No really I do. Especially warm right out of the oven. I have always said I would marry the man who would propose with a plate of cookies and flowers.
2. It is only now that I am older that I realize how cool a person my mom is. I’m growing to like her more each day.
3. I have come to my faith in Jesus late in life. This may be a shock for those who knew me in my Smithie days. How can a person be pro-choice, pro-gay rights, democrat and still love Jesus? I do; I guess that makes me one big oxymoron. Or maybe a lot like Jesus.
4. I suffer from depression at times. Those who know and love me support me in this. I believe that Jesus has the power to heal me from this. Meds help too. For those who don’t believe this, ah well; we will just have to agree to disagree.
5. I really hate not having a job right now. I’ve worked at the same company for the last ten years and I didn’t realize how greatly this affected every aspect of my personality. I’ve done finance for so long that I’m not sure if I should do something totally different.
6. I love my laugh. I think it is the most genuine thing about me.
7. The tearing of my acl a few years back started me on the path of gaining weight. This year I want to lose 50 pounds. I want to run a road race.
8. I hope one day to have the title Dr. in front of my name. Not for the prestige; but because I wish to know something so intimately that I own it.
9. I hate the cold; moving back to mass has solidified this point for me. I do not think I will live in mass forever. This is just a gathering point for other things.
10. I think God has called me to a therapist. I’ve been thinking of going back for my degree in social work. It would only take 2 years.
11. I’ve been thinking a lot about faith these days and realize that the only I’m going to be happy is by not allowing other people to qualify, quantify or define it. Too often people do this and they don’t realize how hurtful these definitions can be when others can’t live up to them.
12. I’ve also been thinking about what it means to be a friend. I think this definition evolves over time. I would say the most important quality for me in a friend is knowing when to listen and when to be a mirror. It’s a fine balance. I pray that my true friends will grow and evolve with me.
13. I love listening to audio books. Is this still considered reading even though you are technically listening? I’ve just finished Pillars of the Earth and I am currently working on two books: Water for Elephants, and The World Without Us. I never listened to a non-fiction book and I find it pretty dry. I will persevere as this for my book club.
14. I love the fact that I am back in the North for political reasons. One can be an Obama supporter and not fear having their tires slashed or not talked to at church.
15. I greatly miss my Jax Church family. I didn’t realize how much they were part of my everyday life until I was gone. I pray that I am able to have such a relationship with my new Church Second Baptist.
16. The biggest turn on for me with a man is intellectual conversation. And a big nose. Go figure.
17. I was 1 belt away from black belt when I had to quit my kung-fu practice. The physical therapist said that I shouldn’t go back because I would re-injure myself. I plan on finishing this one day.
18. I’m going to visit Jerusalem one day and pray at the Wailing Wall.
19. I’ve learned a little about love in that it takes more than physical attraction and romance to make a relationship work. It also takes money, intelligence, diligence and a fair amount of houtz-pah. (spell?). Mostly houtz-pah, The fire in the belly is what will make the relationship last.
20. I am face book addict.
21. I sleep with 2 pillows and a stuffed rhinoceros
22. AG is my best friend. She is my sister from another mother. I hope and pray that we will stay friends forever. I want to be 60 and still throwing cookies at her.
23. In moving to Mass, I had to give away most of my earthly possessions. I had a two bedroom apartment and came back home with just what I could fit my dodge neon. The ironic thing is I don’t miss most of it. Except for my kitchen stuff because I love to cook.
24. I only listen to Christian music or NPR in my car. This greatly helps with feelings on negativity and self worth. This was based on a suggestion from my Pastor’s wife. My tastes haven’t been the same since then. For even the non believer, I dare you listen to Barlow Girl. Your world won’t be the same. However when I work out, I love me some rap music. Especially Eminem and Jay Z. “I have no snare in my head phones” and “Take the baseline out.”
25. I love hot showers. They are my best thinking time.

POEM FOR FLIGHT

2009-01-07T23:01:00.001-05:00

There will come a day
-- it is not far off now
-- when you wake in the morning and know you were meant to be happy
and that you want it more than you want things... all the things that fasten you...

It is you who hold the power to change.
And whatever it is that holds you,
whatever it is you think you can’t live without,
the time has come to open your hands and let it go...
If you fear it will never be possible,

think of Harriet who traveled alone the first time,
who finally freed 300 hundred people, but first had to free herself.

Becky Bertha

Aretha baby

2009-01-05T23:30:00.000-05:00

Ever really listen to a song that you know by heart and realize that it really has a special meaning? This is what happened to me today.

So I was at the gym today on the spawn of SATAN (aka the elipitcal machine) when I couldn't decide what I wanted to listen to on my ipod. So I unplugged my headphones and decided I would listen to one of tv's that was in front of me. Aretha Franklin's song Respect came on as the background music for a commercial when I realized that that was what I wanted to listen to. The Queen of Soul can get a gal through anything! So I dialed up Aretha and was listening to her greatest hits album. She is slamming squared. Anyhoot, Respect ended, and You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Women came on.

It was then that I decided to really listen to the words. I don't if it's all that's going on in my life right now, but I totally felt that this song is such a praise song for God! Because he loves me just the way I am. And he gives such purpose to our lives! I almost started crying on the eliptical, (which probably would have been okay seeing that I was sweating and red faced already. I didn't though, I just kept getting my shirt caught in the arms of the eliptical making me look a total moron.

Here are the words, if anyone is interested

Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But your love was the key to peace my mind

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
Cause if I make you happy I don't need no more

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

Oh, baby, what you've done to me
You make me feel so good inside
And I just want to be close to you
You make me fell so alive
Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

it's 4:30 and I can't sleep

2008-12-30T04:23:00.002-05:00

yeah, it's 4:30 and I can't sleep. I just had this very vivid dream where I was getting married to J and I had to have my mom call it off because I realized as I was getting my hair done that I didn't love him. Reality is that I didn't come that close, but I did almost make a giant boo boo out of my life.

Cause I need something better.

2008-12-29T22:05:00.001-05:00

"Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', 'Send in the marines to secure the area' 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."

Matt Damon: Good Will Hunting

The Gym

2008-12-29T19:16:00.003-05:00

So I went to the gym today and I am feeling really good about it. I did this timeline thing in therapy and realized a couple of things.

First thing: I was doing a lot better the first 6 months of year. The second six saw my life spiral out of control. All the meds adjustment. All of the trauma.

My conversation with A. has really pissed me off. Sometimes you don't need a mirror. Sometimes you need an echo. And she can't be that. She says I'm short changing Jesus. I say fuck her as I am trying my best right now.

I am angry and hurt. I am wanting to go to bed. I think I will and listen to Guersney and the Potato peel society.

I'm thinking about becoming a writer.

2008-12-23T23:55:00.002-05:00

I just don't know if I will ever be good. Hell if Elinor Lippman can do it. Why the fuck can't I?

Flooding: we have name for it.

2008-12-23T23:54:00.001-05:00

Yes all those thoughts at once. When things come at me from multiple places. that my flood. I just hope I don't drown anytime soon.

My mother: a rant

2008-12-23T23:49:00.002-05:00

Why does she insist on wearing thongs? It annoys the living fuck out of me.
Why does she die her hair black? It makes her look so washed out.
Why does she have to walk around the apartment in her high heals in the morning? Doesn't she know that on the wooden floors it makes the whole place vibrate.
How many times is she going to tell the same stories over, 3 different ways?
Why does she talk to the t.v.?
I really think she has ocd around the whole issuing of cleaning.
I want my own bathroom. Her rituals have to go.
Feng-shui my ass.
Why does she yell her phone conversations?

I am sad: I think

2008-12-23T23:46:00.001-05:00

I am sad because I am thinking about J. I am thinking about how things were and whether or not I destroyed a good thing.

I am thinking about my mental illness and wondering if it is going to run my life or will I truly be able to manage it.

I feel really bad about making the joke about alcohol at my group. I feel like I totally crossed a line that was probably not crossable.

I pull people in like the tide and push them back out when I am done. Why do I do that?

Scared Shitless

2008-12-22T00:03:00.002-05:00

So umm, I've uprooted my whole life and moved from Florida to Mass. I'm not sure if it is the right decision, but it is the decision I made. I'm sort of trying to figure out to make peace with it.

Right now I am in such financial trouble that it eats my soul daily. I'm not sure how I am going to get out of it.

I am so afraid. and so depressed. Really depressed. I am currently in an outpatient treatment program in the hopes that it will give me better coping skills. So far the therapy is okay. People get out my nerves though. It's a whole group thing and there are certain people who are bit of whiners. (I hope I don't sound like that).

Why do I have such gas? And why is it so fricken windy out today?

Lord I apologize.

2008-12-21T23:31:00.003-05:00

So I went to see "7 Pounds" with my mom on Saturday night. It was a very bizarre movie that dragged on points. However, I still felt that I should have been able to watch the movie with out having to deal with people who are just blatently rude.

There was a group of kids who would not shut up behind me; they would not stop giggling or running up and down the aisle stairs. Then there was this one older woman who insisted on narrating the movie with a commentary. She also forgot to turn off her cell phone. She spent what felt like forever locating it and then proceeded to have a conversation with the person who was calling her. I finally lost and yelled "SHUT UP!!!!!" People around us just laughed, but it got her attention and she was quiet for the rest of the movie.

My Mom aghast, chastized me, but I had just had enough. It was like when Elaine from Seinfield was on the train that had stopped moving. She was having a verbal war in her head where she just wanted the subway to start moving again. I had reached my boiling point and unfortunately I could not keep it an inside thought.

So lord I apologize. The funny thing is that they parked right next to us in the parking lot. Ahh well!

Cathartic episode needed.

2008-12-17T23:19:00.002-05:00

So many thoughts whirling up there. Not in a hypermanic sort of way but in a exposure to new stimuli sort of way. Western Mass is so well... Western Ma. The one thing that is giving me solace these days is Walmart. Why, I don't know. I guess it makes the whole place feel less podunk.

I really should have been writing more during my moves and hospitalizations. I probably could let go of more things.

BPD anyone

2008-12-17T23:15:00.002-05:00

Some I'm thinking that I might not have Bipolar disorder. I might have Borderline personality disorder. It would make sense with my past history. The good news is that the meds are pretty similar for treatment.

I hope to enter a outpatient treatment program in the beginning of 2009. I'm hoping it's going to help with coping skills. The littlest things overwhelm me these day.

Where the hell is the Smithie Tawanda spirit I used to have?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

2008-12-17T23:12:00.001-05:00

a sea of emotions.

It's been a week of being out of the hospital and it is a moment to moment struggle. Sometimes I feel like I am better off than I was and other times I feel like I am worst off then I was. I really didn't want to be back on the meds but the chemical dependency was there. I think that if I can get exercise back into my life things will better. I cry all the time. I didn't mean to cry at church but I did. I really am praying that my car is not going to be that expensive. And if it is maybe I can swallow some humble pie and accept from help from the church. I'm trying really hard. Even trying to get the title today was taxing. I know I've got to write more to get these things out.

I haven't written in awhile. Needless to say there have been trials and tribulations. But I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I have relocated back to Mass and have had many ramblings as of late.

1. Western Ma has so many locally owned businesses. I never was aware of this before. Not like Florida where everything is a strip mall/chain creation.

2. Why are there no turning lanes out here?

3. I hate driving in snow.

4. Why am I always cold now?

5. I really hope it's just motor mounts and nothing more serious.

6. There are so many Catholic churches out here.

7. Does God exist in Northampton?

8. My mother drives me crazy when she walks around in her high heel shoes early in the morning on the all wood floors.

9. I'm not sure what type of job I should go for next. Insurance pays the big bucks, but the I've not heart for it. I'm so wondering what I should be when I grow up. I really wish I could back to school for my masters in social work.

10. Northampton seems extremely trite these days and not the cultural mecca that I used to make it out to be.

11. I've been thinking of when things settle down of moving to one of three places: London, New York or Boston. I'm not sure I can be a small town girl forever.

12. I'm a troll. No really, I've got the hair and the belly to prove it.

13. There are so many mom and pop pizza joint's out here.

14. I am so addicted to Facebook, it's ridiculous.

15. I really hope my title comes in on time.

16. I want to marry a Puerto Rican thug. No really I do.

17. I have very little winter clothes.

18. I need to go to the gym.

Goodbye Earl

2008-10-13T00:54:00.000-04:00

So there's this old dude named Earl who calls me randomly. I have no idea who he is or why he calls me. I think my number is similar to a friend of his. He usually calls late a night and leaves completely random messages where he announces himself repeatedly. I also think he has a confusion between voice mail and answering machines as he often talks like he thinks I might pick up at any second.

I've tried calling him back and explaining that I don't know him and that he is indeed calling the wrong number but that doesn't work as he calls me back looking for his friend. It's even gotten to the point where he leaves messages, sometimes one after another where he gets angry that no one has returned his call.

He called for the first time in about month last night around midnight. He went as far to apologize as he " had been away for awhile". I didn't catch the reason why. I just find it pretty funny as the person he is looking for is male, and you can tell by my voice that I am obviously female and do not go by the name Jack.

random stuff

2008-10-13T00:36:00.001-04:00

random Thoughts Part 7

1. I'm going to start packing boxes just in case. I'm going to start with things that I don't use that often. This way if I do have to move, I have things started. I will also have cleaned out things that I don't necessary use every day.

2. God is using this to draw me and my mother closer together. There really is good in everything.

3. I need to paint my toes again. They are beginning to have that trailer trash finished look.

4. I really wish tomorrow was a holiday for work. I would so go in there and grab boxes to start the packing process.

5. I can't sleep right now. I'm obsessively on Myspace trying to quell my boredom.

6. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had kids.

7. I am craving spanish chicken like nobody's business. I think I may make some this week.

8. I think I will make some red beans and rice this week.

9. Thank god for friends and family. I sort of feel stupid for going to Susan.

10. If she is lying; let god convict her of what's going on.

Panic Attacks.

2008-10-02T22:29:00.003-04:00

So I am having major panic attacks these days. Why? may you ask? Because I quit my job effective October 29th. I've already been talked to about the quality of my work. I've been told that I'm making way too many mistakes. Hmmm shocker. Why is it that I've chose a profession that relies heavily on my ineffective typing skills? The one class that I sucked at in high school, is the one that I have chosen to make my living off of. Yeah Jen, you sure are the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

So needless to say I'm freaking out. Now I just get to hide. Not really; I've actually went to three different temping agents in an attempt to drum up some work.
I'm so in debt right now that I can't afford to pay anything but lights, internet (for looking for jobs), insurance, rent and gas. All else is falling to the waste side.

For some reason I have pictures of me being homeless swimming in my head.
I don't know how this is going to work. I haven't told people that I quit; I just am telling people that I will no longer have a job by the end of the month. It's too messy otherwise.

The smart side of me should let them fire me. But there's this whole pride thing that is keeping me from being fired. I haven[t put my resignation in writing so technically I could reneg; but I don't think I will do so.

anxiety attacks

2008-09-28T18:31:00.002-04:00

have been horrible these days panic attack these days about my job or the lack there of.

Will probably need to become Publix check out girl. Do they make vests that big?
OMG. I think god is doing this to make me humble and malleable. Right now I'm not usable my anyone.

2008-09-28T18:16:00.004-04:00

as smart as my fish is, he's pretty dumb. ever since I took the background off the back of the tank, midas can now see his reflection on the top of the tank. He swims up and down and then ATTACKS, the top of the tank. There's this loud thumping sound of the cover lifting(his head hitting glass) and then he retreats under the rock because he's scared himself. I now know why these things have such bulbous forehead when they reach maturity.

random thoughts

2008-09-24T22:10:00.001-04:00

. If I decide to move back home, would I be plagued with head cold right away or would it just be a gradual descent in chest cold hell?

2. I really hope she stops staring.

3. I need to work at least 10 hours a day.

4. My resume will become my best friend this weekend.

5. My culantro plant is diseased and therefore must die.

6. My next door neighbor is scary. Like pyscho killer scary.

7. I'm just glad that all the drunks in my complex are happy drunks. It makes it easier when they congregate outside your door.

8. I have less than 50 percent memory left on my hard drive. No more importing cd's for you.

9. I am so afraid my car will die. It's fine now, I'm gonna continue to pray for it's good health.

10. I really wish I was a better proof reader. No matter what I do, I honestly don't see the mistakes.

11. Snufalogus tee hee. I'm sorry but it's it's so true.

12. I still have dirty dishes in my sink.

13. Prayer languages rock.

14. I need to get to sleep.

Home memories

2008-09-14T23:29:00.002-04:00

1. Nick's Nests hot dogs and the fact that the waitress had to pull a rope to open the door.
2. Walking down Monroe street between the two cementaries. One was Catholic and the other Protestant. Isn't ironic that many were literally in the same place regardless of their beliefs?
3. St Patrick's day. Where else can everyone be Irish on the same day?
4. The fact that there was one of everything. One CVS, one Burger King, One McDonalds, (okay 3), but you knew where they all were and can use them as references.
5. My naps between 6:45 and 7:30 on the bus on the way to work.
6. My naps between 4:30 and 5:25 on the return ride home.
7. The time in September when you felt the seasons changing and had to put on that outside jacket.
8. Walking home from v-ball practice.
9. Knowing all the streets and who used to live on them.
10. Stop and Shop rocks
11. Walking my brother home from day care or my Aunts.
12. Making Maura find her 16th b-day present via a scavenger hunt.
13. Being the girl whose mom was never home and could get away with murder if she pleased.
14. Franks and beans, Kielbasa and beans, Hot dogs and beans. Hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. Kiebalsa and macaroni and cheese.
15. Freshman year; falling in love with the boy wearing the Red Sox starter shirt.
16. Pam
17. P-24. R-21, R-20
18. Three levels of fun at the holyoke mall. Florida strip malls can't replace it.
19. Mr Sears and his heavy breathing; always cracked me up.
20. Le port magique.

random thoughts

2008-09-13T20:52:00.002-04:00

1. I wish my sink wasn't clogged
2. My eczema is bothering me.
3. My apartment is a mess again.
4. Getting fired v. quiting oh a conundrum.
5. Depression is pretty bad.
6. I've been like this for awhile now.
7. I'm the brink of being chronically mentally ill
8. Why does everyone give up on me?
9. Why is pedestal so high and why are there so many people there?
10. WTF is up with brain zapps? I'm taking my medicine like I normally do.
11. Enough choc chip ice cream will give your tongue freezer burn.

TOP 10 LIST

2008-09-13T20:43:00.002-04:00

1. Get out of Debt
2. Forgive my mother
3. Go skydiving
4. Get a new job
5. Move back to MA
6. Lose weight
7. Pray more
8. Let Go
9. Second job
10. get the right drug coctail

Cycling

2008-09-13T20:35:00.003-04:00

is a lot like riding a bike.
Sometimes you are up
Sometimes you are down.
Regardless you must pedal

Pedaling is easier depending on the gear you are in.
Sometimes you pedal and go nowhere.
Sometimes you pedal and see the world in front of your eyes
Just at a hand brake's distance.

sometimes,
the wind cut at you and tries to keep you down.
Other times it's at your back pushing you along.

Regardless you must pedal,

I need to learn to enjoy the ride
and not to try to control things.

Maybe I should get a bike
and do a new type of
cycling.

because I'm a huge hypocrite

2008-09-07T20:43:00.005-04:00

So I was multitasking hardcore today doing my usual of surfing the internet and watching television when I took notice of the all the applications on my desktop. There were at least 4 columns of them. It made me realize I needed to do some "housecleaning" as I didn't think that I had installed so much stuff on my computer. I started to delete this one icon call "Network" when I realized this might not be a good thing as it might mess up my internet connection. So I double click on it and realize there's some dude named "Gerald Household" who has decided to set up a NETWORK WITH MY MODEM!!!!.

For you layman/women, someone is using my internet for free and has hacked my puter! Now I knew I had an unsecured connection but I couldn't believe someone would have the audacity to put an icon on my desktop. By this time I am fuming.

So I go into my network utilities and figure out how secure the connection. Previously I had tried to do this manually, but had only managed to screw up some socket connection. HP has this utility to do it for you in a point in click fashion which made it really easy. As J would put it, I just created a really effective cock block. Or I prefer to say I "oshun'd" it.

However these actions make me feel like a hypocrite. Why you ask? Because I am such an internet/wifi hacker myself. If while I'm traveling I find a free internet spot, I am all over it. But personally I don't want to share my stuff. Partly it is a fear of viruses, partly it is a fear of someone stealing my financial info. Partly I don't want people to steal my music.

For me it was the boldness of the other person's actions coupled with the fact that I pay 50 bucks month for high speed. I felt such as strong sense of justice and someone to knock on my door and ask for me to give the key so they could be added back into the network. It hasn't happened yet, but you never know.. tee hee.

I would only charge them 20 bucks a month for the connection. After all, this is a free market society.

AMITYVILLE: MEET JACKSONVILLE

2008-08-31T20:13:00.002-04:00

because I can't make these things up. I'm no longer in denial that I live in South. ">

Hohum

2008-08-30T22:43:00.003-04:00

Let's see

1. Woke up at 8:30. Went tag saling - only found one item; the 10 commandments for .50 cents. It was really ugly on a piece of wooden board. Removed board and now the shiny part is hanging in my living room. it fits the decor nicely

2. Bought metal screws in effort to rehang spare bedroom door. Screws too small; must go back to Loew's: crap.

3. Used electric screwdriver to tighten own shower bar. Also drilled holes for plant hangers. (oooo, aahh, oooo, ahhh which translates to I love power tools)-said in her best Tim Allen grunt voice

4. Uploaded 20+ cds in effor to convert whole cd collection on to computer. Figured out which one I was going sell on half.com. I realized I have ecclectic crappy taste. Here's a sample of what I loaded: swv, dido, james brown and motown box set.

5. Made banging spaghetti sauce to freeze for meals during the week.

6. Decided that being a bartender is not the best choice for a second job. It's the whole brother's keeper thing.

7. Went miniature golfing and got my but kicked playing air hockey. Got my but kicked by all, which either tells me J sucked or I am slipping big time.

8. Went to Mojo's Kitchen. Absolutely slamming barbecue. That is a lot coming from me who has this thing abour barbecue sauce being on the table rather than having the food be cooked in it.

9.Possibly purposely avoided J. oh well....

10. Came home with a content belly and started this blog... yeah Jenny.

4 day weekend ramble.

2008-08-28T21:33:00.002-04:00

1. Just got out of church. I realize that the peace that centers me comes from pray. Why don't I do it enough.

2. Am being bad -will go drinking tomorrow. I have a two drink limit but still know it's not a good idea with the meds. Why am I such a bad girl? Soy una chica muy muy mala.

3. I have the metallic taste of something in my mouth. I can't stand it. I've brushed my teeth 5 times today and still can't get the taste out of my mouth. It's like the metal of new filling uggh.

4. I love happy Babies. Z. makes my day with her snort laugh.

5. I have mixed feeling about bring J out to drink. I'm not sure if this will be a good thing. I'm afraid she will tell Ms. Bliss and then I'm really screwed.

6. I'm sorry but the Jags suck. NE Patriots all the way.

TMy TOP 10 choices for a new job.

2008-08-27T20:58:00.002-04:00

10. Hooters wings girl.
9. McCain's VP.
8. America's got talent judge.
7. Underwater basket weaver.
6. Bartender
5. Waitress
4. NAMI Lobbyist.
3. Professional Student
2. Professional Frog Gigger
1. Deal or no Deal case holder

Because you can't spiritualize being given the Bird.

2008-08-26T22:55:00.006-04:00

Okay so here's the thing. My main family is my church family; which is okay for the most part. The problem however is day to day life. In living in it, you get stuck with the mundane and I declare it is impossible to "spiritualize" everything. You can't make life always about a spiritual journey. 'Cause it's not. Sometimes it just sucks and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you are forced to ride the metaphysical roller coaster of life. And there's nothing holy about it.

Case in point; you can't spiritualize being given the bird at the intersection where someone is backing up into your parked car. Now maybe you can spiritualize your reaction, but oh the flesh is too immediate and too needy. So there's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I have the attention span of a flea

2008-08-26T22:51:00.002-04:00

I Just tried to read some other people's blog on the bipolar ring and I realize that I have an attention span of a flea. Also I've learned I'm partial to small paragraphs. Anything over 10 sentences and my mind goes swimming. Not sure if this is the meds or this is me.